Project Runway: Maddening Hatters

Are hats fashion? Should one base a dress on an accessory or an accessory on a dress? Why do orchids look like vaginas? These were the very important questions answered by Project Runway last night. We're still a little confused.

The challenge was to create a dress to wear with one of the hats created by master milliner Philip Treacy (rhymes with "spacey"). That sounds easy enough, right? Well, too bad all we wanted to see was the spectacular headwear, and what was underneath. Eh, who cares. Here are all the:

Things We Hated:

  • Sticking with the Models: When the models come out sporting the hats, Heidi (wearing a cute outfit for a change) tells the designers they are going to be working with whichever model is wearing the hat they select. What does everyone do? They don't go for the hat they want, they pick the model that they were arbitrarily assigned at the beginning of the competition. What is this? The revenge of Models of the Runway? God, it's so infuriating. This is a cut-throat industry and this little coat hanger is not going to make or break you. Find a hat you love and that inspires you and your outfit will look good no matter who wears it. Enough with the fucking models already!

  • Wilting Ivy: Ivy went to the hospital for dehydration and then slinks back in the middle of the night rejuiced and revived. God, that was the most boring ambulance-related reality show drama we have ever seen.

  • Gretchen's Makeup: Remember the drag montage at the end of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert when the "ladies" dress up as chameleons? Well, that is just how Gretchen did her makeup for the judging. Oh, she really knows how to style alright.

  • Kissed by a Rose: Not only was Heidi's hat the stupidest one of the evening (really, why do they let this woman judge a fashion competition?), she had to pester her husband to let her use the dulcet tones of "Kissed by a Rose" for her entrance. Way to ruin my mother's favorite song, Heidi.

  • Poisoned Ivy: We usually like it when people talk shit, but Ivy talks some shit, and her clothes aren't even that good. And then she went and said that Casanova is drama because he's a queen. Oh hell no! We're about to show you a gay fit, Ivy. Hold our earrings! At least Gretchen, who also talks mad shit, has talent to fall back on. And all the designers need to shut up dissing the winning dress. Michael C.'s contraption was dubbed the best by a panel of fashion professionals and a partially blind German lady. Doesn't that mean there must be something redeeming about it? Maybe they should try to figure that out and emulate it rather than putting him down. After all, you have to please the judges to win, not each other.

  • Casanova: Everything about him just irks me. He's not nice to Tim, he doesn't get the challenges, he thinks he's smarter than everyone. God, he is just so annoying. But at least his dress last night was pretty good. He's a gay Wendy Pepper, isn't he?

Things We Loved:

  • Philip Treacy: Those hats are just divine, but we have a feeling that Isabella Blow is rolling over in her grave because he is on this show. Also, he was a bad judge, speaking too softly and not carrying a big enough stick. But, those hats. I mean, come on...

  • Papa Don't Preach: Hold up! Cunty Michael C has a son? For real? Is he a queen with a son or is he actually straight? Do we really live in a world that is so post-gay that a straight guy like Michael C could be so gay and in the fashion industry and not care that everyone thinks he's gay? Or do we live in a post gay world where it is OK for 'mos to just go around having babies like it doesn't matter. What does it all mean?

  • Grampa Gunn: He counsels Michael D that he must "walk the precipice" between fashion and general craziness because that is where art lives. Oh, Gramps, your advice was never so sage.

  • The Makeup Daddy Returns: And this week, he got lines. He even got a laugh! When Mondo asked for a mustache to be painted on his model a la Salvadore Dali, MUD said, "Come here, handsome." Oh, how we long to hear him utter those exact same words to us.

  • Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine Can Make Some Faces: All the other judges try to remain stoic, but not our NGFDMCM. No, she's all rolling her eyes and shaking her head. She will read a nasty look on the runway with just the muscles above her neck. And if that's not enough, she keeps shading her eyes with her cue cards so she can see the ugliness more clearly. We would tell her to wear enormous sunglasses next to runway if we thought Anna Wintour wouldn't kill her for trademark infringement.

In the end, Michael C, the sire of a mysterious young man, won for his creation that was like a shining Grecian gold gown with a hat that looked like the headdress of an Egyptian goddess. Didn't Marianne Faithful wear something similar in Kenneth Anger's Lucifer Rising? Anyone? Film majors? Rightfully, Michael D was with him in the top for his cardboard conquistador outfit. We thought Mondo deserved a top spot too, for making an outfit that looked like the upholstery in Pee Wee's Playhouse come to life. Well, more alive than it was in the first place.

It was Kristen's time to go home for her orchid inspired dress that looked like, well, it looked like one of those paint with water books that you get as a kid and you hold up the page to show mommy before it's dried and the water runs down the page in a streaky mess. Like that. April was also on the bottom for her intergalactic hot pants that the little pink bear on the Charmin package would fit so very snugly inside. Christopher's Joan Crawford redux (though not as Mommie Dearest as Andy's magenta monstrosity) got reamed by the judges, but I didn't think it was so bad though the crotch should have been decreed, by the Queen of all Tangerines, insane.

Then everyone retired to their rooms to eat their sour grapes while Michael C gloated, he gloated and then called his son and they laughed and chuckled, trying to think up the funniest name for a hat.