According to its trailer, The Romantics is about tasteful white people getting married in a scenic white people place. (Maine?) Quoth J. Crew's synergistic The Romantics advertainment: "Friendships and alliances are tested and the love triangle comes to a head the night before the wedding, when the drunken friends frolic in the nearby surf and return to shore… without the groom." That sounds… macabre. (And kind of interesting? I hate it when I accidentally like something I meant to hate.)

Katie Holmes' J. Crew Ads Are the Stuff of Rich White Fever Dreams - Gallery

To make her comfortable, Katie Holmes' costars approximate Tom Cruise's height.

Image via JCrew.com.

Katie Holmes' J. Crew Ads Are the Stuff of Rich White Fever Dreams - Gallery

"I used to like Magnolia's cupcakes best, but then I found out Sarah Jessica Parker doesn't even eat carbs, and it all felt so fake, y'know?"

Image via JCrew.com.

Katie Holmes' J. Crew Ads Are the Stuff of Rich White Fever Dreams - Gallery

"My career totally blows Mischa Barton's out of the water."

Image via JCrew.com.

Katie Holmes' J. Crew Ads Are the Stuff of Rich White Fever Dreams - Gallery

The only three-person pose more ubiquitous than Charlie's Angels finger guns: Variations on the "see no evil" triptych.

Image via JCrew.com.

Katie Holmes' J. Crew Ads Are the Stuff of Rich White Fever Dreams - Gallery

"And then I liked Sugar Sweet Sunshine's cupcakes best, but I found out their flour isn't organic, so fuck that."

Image via JCrew.com.

Katie Holmes' J. Crew Ads Are the Stuff of Rich White Fever Dreams - Gallery

Awkward turtle recedes back into her neck.

Image via JCrew.com.

Katie Holmes' J. Crew Ads Are the Stuff of Rich White Fever Dreams - Gallery

Stuff white men like: Pretending to be ninjas.

Image via JCrew.com.

Katie Holmes' J. Crew Ads Are the Stuff of Rich White Fever Dreams - Gallery

Josh Duhamel is having trouble with his hobo costume.

Image via JCrew.com.

Katie Holmes' J. Crew Ads Are the Stuff of Rich White Fever Dreams - Gallery

"It's been so long since I've felt the touch of a man."

Image via JCrew.com.