You Can't Quantify an Attitude of Gratitude!S

The Way We Live Now: Quantifordably. We don't actually need to change our current situation; we simply need to become more satisfied with it. For what is money but a number? And what is a number but...magic? I don't know.

There was a time when math nerds could get fabulously wealthy and land all types of attractive girlfriends by working for a "Quant" fund. Nobody knew what a "quant" fund was, but it sounded so mathematical that rich people just threw money at it, enabling math nerds to purchase Ferraris by the gross. Everybody won. Well, those days are over now, and "quant" people are now expected to actually earn money using nothing but math, which is the most absurd thing I've ever heard.

Here in the real world of "bricks and mortar" stores and sandwiches that you can eat with your mouth, not your imagination, we have a better strategy for winning the game of economics: simply to decide that we've won. Americans today are more satisfied with their pay than they've been in two decades. Not hard to figure out why: it's because literally any pay at all is more than we expect! Found three plastic bottles to recycle this morning, rather than the usual one? Money in the bank baby!

That equals satisfaction. And satisfaction equals bravery. That's why the state of New Jersey has the balls to go borrow more than $2 billion the day after being sued for fraud by the SEC. It's because of bravery. Also, necessity.

What have we learned here? Math is not what makes up "the real world." The real world is made out of dolla dolla bills, which bring happiness—provided we maintain a grateful attitude. That, in turn, allows us to brash and uncontrollable. This is the American Way.

Oh, and you can't die if you never work. So it's all good.

[Pic via]