Drunk in the gym! Greedy-ass yoga! Ab assistance! Chocolate for your health! Pro athletes without athletics! And the Twitter diet, phase two! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—but not in that skeevy David Barton way!
- David Barton gym is teaming up with Svedka Vodka and "hosting cocktail hours after its intense boot camp training classes." Fitness expert and plastic action figure David Barton says, "Vodka seems like the right complement to the gym." If your gym is David Barton gym, this is certainly true, assuming you can't get your hands on any cyanide.
- Yoga: it's all about money and power. A bunch of US companies are trying to trademark their own versions of yoga, because Americans are assholes who Just Don't Get It. Hey greedy Americans, yoga is about sharing and love. And furthermore, the only reason you have the freedom to trademark your stuff is because of soldiers who protect you, and who train mostly with powerlifting, anyhow.
- You pay a personal trainer who has you train your "core" with "isolated exercises" on a "bosu ball." Kill him. Then eat him. Then deadlift him. Now your abs are complete.
- Ooooo, a new study says chocolate may be good for your heart! Yea, one to two servings of dark chocolate per week. Put it down. And the Reese's. And the cake. Put it down. And the Choco Taco.
- Albert Haynesworth got a $100 million contract as a professional football player, and so far he hasn't done jack squat, athletically, at all. The dream is still alive, America.
- Congratulations are in order for the NYT's Brian Stelter, who lost 75 pounds in six months using nothing but the god damn Twitter. (He also ate less food). The first phase is complete, Brian. Now it's time for a little something called