Teabaggers will soon descend on Washington for Glenn Beck's "Restoring Honor" rally, taking place at the site of Martin Luther King Jr.'s "Dream" speech, on its anniversary. What precautions should they take to avoid being murdered in this deadly town?
Beck's rally at the Lincoln Memorial, featuring Sarah Palin, will of course be a non-partisan affair. That would be disrespectful, after all, to the brave men and women of the military whom Beck intends to honor. You want Democrat-bashing at this thing? Go somewhere else! (Specifically, take the nearby ferry ride to a very partisan convention immediately after Beck's rally, as part of an affordable package deal.)
But is it worth getting shot to attend this?
As most people know, Washington D.C. has always been the global capital of murder. Most visitors are shot and killed here within 20 minutes of their arrival. But that's just because they don't know what they're doing! Thankfully, a leader of the Maine Tea Party has prepared a handy guide for staying safe in this hellhole. While he concedes that "Many parts of DC are safe beyond the areas" he lists, they're not worth the risk — especially at night, when the goblins come out.
Safety and Mores
Many parts of DC are safe beyond the areas I will list here, but why chance it if you don't know where you are?
If you are on the subway stay on the Red line between Union Station and Shady Grove, Maryland. If you are on the Blue or Orange line do not go past Eastern Market (Capitol Hill) toward the Potomac Avenue stop and beyond; stay in NW DC and points in Virginia. Do not use the Green line or the Yellow line. These rules are even more important at night. There is of course nothing wrong with many other areas; but you don't know where you are, so you should not explore them.
If on foot or in a cab or bus, stay in Bethesda, Arlington (preferably north Arlington), Crystal City, Falls Church, Annandale, or Alexandria, or in DC only in northwest DC west (i.e. larger street numbers) of 14th or 16th streets, or if on Capitol Hill only in SE Capitol Hill (zip 20003) between 1st and 8th Streets, not farther out than 8th (e.g. 9th, 10th etc). (Or stay on the Mall and at the various monuments.) Again there are many other lovely places, from the Catholic University of America to Silver Spring, Maryland. But you don't know where you are so you cannot go, especially at night, unless you take me with you.
Those of you who are familiar with Washington are already laughing, but here's a rough map of the Tea Party Safety Oasis within the otherwise blood-soaked federal territory (via DCist):
The guide's author also lists the home addresses of Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Ex-Sen. Tom Daschle, and White House counsel Bob Bauer and his wife, former White House communications director Anita Dunn, writing, "Feel free to protest!" Wow. Who are the dangerous ones, again?