Here Are the Ten Funniest Jokes in All of Britain, ExplainedS

The ten funniest jokes of the famous Edinburgh Fringe—a huge performing arts festival held in Scotland—have been named! And they are hilarious. But will you "get" them? No worries! We've provided helpful explanations right here.

Every year, thousands of people show up in Edinburgh and put on hundreds of different kinds of fascinating shows, ranging from weird Renaissance festival-type stuff to weird Burning Man-type stuff. There is also, for some reason, a "comedy award," given to one person from a group of 24 selected by a group of eight "comedy critics." This year's comedy award went to Tim Vine, who has a standup show called "The Joke-amotive."

After hearing he'd won, Vine said, "I am very happy to win this award and I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's barbecue and having a sweepsteak," so you know you're in for some funny jokes here. These are the top ten jokes, accompanied by explanations to really help you fully get the humor:

1) Tim Vine: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
Explanation: The phrase "once in a lifetime" implies that Vine's holiday will only happen once in his life. Therefore, it's redundant for him to say "never again," because someday he will die.

2) David Gibson: "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
Explanation: Anorexia is a deadly eating disorder characterized by obsessive fear of gaining weight; its sufferers are often dangerously thin. A "stone" is a British measurement of weight roughly equal to the weight of the current monarch's head. In this context, "Two birds, one stone" carries a double meaning, which is hilarious.

3) Emo Philips: "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
Explanation: Philips killed a hitchhiker with his car.

4) Jack Whitehall: "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
Explanation: In Britain, they sell bracelets to prevent bullying, or something. I think that's the whole joke.

5) Gary Delaney: "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
Explanation: Delaney grew up on a pirate ship. When he didn't earn enough booty to buy his family a dog, they forced him to "walk the plank." Then he survived, and became a comedian, so the joke's on his pirate-family, in the end.

6) John Bishop: "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
Explanation: This is about soccer, so, really, who knows.

7) Bo Burnham: "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
Explanation: Frederic Names was a famous French architect of the 19th century who lost both arms and an eye in the Napoleonic wars.

8) Gary Delaney: "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
Explanation: Delaney's friend Dave was a famous British lifebelt collector, and his dying wish was that his friends would honor his life's passion at his funeral. Interestingly, he died in his own bathtub, drowning when he suffered from a seizure while taking a bath.

9) Robert White: "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."
Explanation: Vanessa Feltz is a fat person.

10) Gareth Richards: "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
Explanation: I'm stumped. Is this about spanking, or something? British people are so weird.

For good measure, here are the worst jokes:

  • Sara Pascoe: "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
  • Sean Hughes: "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"
  • John Luke Roberts: "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."
  • Emo Phillips: "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
  • Bec Hill: "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
  • Dan Antopolski: "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."