Beware: All of These Things Are GayS

Today our attention was directed to a delightfully insane Philadelphia op-ed about how men are sissies these days because of things like skinny jeans. Yes, tight jeans are on the official limp-wrist list. What else is on the list?

First let's give you a delicious sample of the tone of the editorial, so you know what we're talking about here. Take it away, Jane Gilvary:

Despite what feminists might argue, real men don't wear skinny jeans. Real men also don't wear V-neck tees, or accessorized scarves, and they avoid purple and pink like the plague. The mere idea of a pedicure or waxing makes a real man nauseous. If a woman hangs out with this kind of girly-man routinely, it's only because she wants to share his wardrobe and his non-fat caramel macchiato. A woman can't imagine a man reloading his double barrel shotgun or chopping wood when he's donned in Donna Karan and drinking an Appletini. Men were meant to wear rugged Wranglers, leather jackets and boots, like they belong in a James Dean movie and not an episode of "Will & Grace."

Got it? Skinny jeans: Gay. Also gay:

  • Drinking 'tinis
  • Man-purses of any kind
  • Lattes
  • Macchiatos
  • Frappucinos
  • Anything that isn't a chest hair-inducing regular cup of Joe.
  • To that end, removing said chest hair, or any other hair. (Alopecia sufferers: Automatically gay.)
  • Dancing
  • Not going to college
  • Going to college
  • Women that aren't Phyllis Schlafly
  • Playing sports to have fun
  • Not playing sports
  • Juno
  • Taking care of your kid
  • Not taking care of your kid
  • Color
  • Accessories
  • Not James Dean, apparently
  • Vegetables, grains
  • Quiches
  • Track lighting
  • Flip-flops
  • Cities

Yes, those are all definitely on the homo list. What else have these brave gender scholars banned men from having/doing/consuming?


[Image of a gay jeans person: Shutterstock]

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