Tuesday's Election Results: John McCain Wins, and Florida Gets a SurpriseS

A bunch of states held primary elections on Tuesday night, and I know what you're thinking: More elections, really? Can't Obama do something about that? But don't despair! These ones featured America's second choice for President, Arizona Senator John McCain!

Four states held primaries on Tuesday—Alaska, Arizona, Florida and Vermont—and if you think you don't care, you should meet someone from Arizona, which saw a voter turnout of between 20 and 25 percent. But that didn't stop the elections from happening! These four states, all of which are along the famous "sun belt" and all of which were given Spanish names by the conquistadores who originally colonized them in the late 1970s, had some terrific "story lines," and some even had some surprising results:

Arizona:

In Arizona, John McCain, the incumbent Senator who you may remember from "The 2008 Presidential Elections" beat former congressman J.D. Hayworth. To beat Hayworth, McCain spent $20 million, which is a lot of money, to convince Arizona Republicans that he will personally deport every Mexican in Arizona.

Meanwhile, Ben Quayle, who operates a pornographic website and pretends his nieces are his daughters, took a slim lead in the primary race for Arizona's 3rd congressional district.

Florida:

The big surprise for Florida was former health-care executive Rick Scott's win over Attorney General Bill McCollum for the Republican nomination for governor, despite the longstanding prejudice against people whose last name is a first name, too. Scott, an opponent of Obama's death panels and the Ground Zero Terror Training Celebration Center, is also bald.

As expected, Tea Party darling Marco Rubio won the Republican nomination for Senate, while on the Democratic side, establishment candidate Kendrick Meek beat out billionaire nutbar Jeff Greene, who besides being Mike Tyson's friend, was a total asshole. (Fun politics fact: Jeff Greene is a goddamn billionaire but wouldn't pony up for an open bar at his election night party. Which is okay, because only 15 people showed up.)

Alaska:

Incumbent Senator Lisa Murkowski, who was expected to cruise to victory, is still locked in a close vote against lawyer Joe Miller, who has the endorsement of Sarah Palin. The deciding factor in the race may have been Palin's endorsement, or it could have been Ballot Measure 2, a parental-consent law for abortions performed on minors that was included in the election (Murkowski is pro-choice). It may also have been Miller's beard, which is suspiciously full.

Vermont:

The race for the Democratic nomination for governor is still too close to call, with State Senator Peter Shumlin and State Senator Doug Racine separated by about a hundred votes, and Secretary of State Deb Markowitz not far behind in third. The next step is likely a recount, but no one will care because the race so far has been positive and affable and therefore totally boring.

[Pic via AP]