Beating Your Lame Cell Phone AddictionS

The average teenager sends nearly 3,000 texts a month. Experts say that kids these days are literally addicted to texting. Wow. Talk about a shitty addiction. Where's the glamor? We have the formula for breaking this useless, unsexy addiction.

Step One: Move to New York. A new study says New York ranked near the bottom in number of cell phone minutes used and number of texts sent. The state most addicted to its cell phones: Georgia. Don't make us spell it out for you.

Step Two: Adopt the mind of the ninja. Even more science tells us that ceaseless multitasking on digital devices at all hours of the day and during nearly all activities is deprives people's brains of valuable time that "could allow them to better learn and remember information, or come up with new ideas." Yes: fiddling with your phone makes you both dumber and stupider. As well as less interesting. Feel like you need something in your hands at all times to hold off boredom? Learn nunchucks.

Step Three: Sex it up. Yes, an addiction to texting is pretty lame-o. But an addiction to sexting is sizzlin' hot! As lawmakers argue over whether underage teen sexting constitutes "felony or folly," lost in the debate is the fact that today's nerdy teens have a better chance than ever to see some of their classmates nude—at least virtually. And that's something that all former teenage nerds can support. (Provided it's consenting activity between two teens of equal age. If not, go directly to jail). Remember: text addicts get jeers, sex addicts get cheers! Empty, emotionless cheers, that never last. (But they have sexier support groups!)

Or better yet just throw away your cell phone and get some sleep.

[Pic: uberculture]