Forget Everything You Thought You Knew About Pooping

If you're attractive and/or a girl, this doesn't apply to you. But the rest you, meaning those who poop, listen up: Your pooping technique is incorrect, a groundbreaking story reveals. You've been sitting on toilets, which gives you diseases.

It's true! According to an article in Slate:

Modern-day squat evangelists make money off the claim that a "more natural" posture wards off all sorts of health problems, from Crohn's disease to colon cancer. Inventor Jonathon Isbit runs a modest online business selling Nature's Platform-a homemade, $150 device that fits over toilets to make them more like holes in the ground.

Did you hear that? SQUAT EVANGELISTS. There are people who evangelize about how best to poop (namely squatting like you're in the woods instead of sitting on the can), and that is what America is all about.

Will you purchase a product like Nature's Platform, thus becoming the ultimate Super Squatter? You really should if you don't want hemorrhoids.

Hemorrhoids may be brought on by pregnancy, obesity, and receiving anal sex. But the main cause is straining during bowel movement. Straining increases the pressure in your abdomen, causing the veins that line your anus to swell. In hemorrhoid patients, those veins stay swollen and sometimes bleed. In theory, squatting might stave off hemorrhoids by making defecation easier, reducing the need to strain and decreasing abdominal pressure.

Pooping! It's a whole new ballgame now.

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