The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

This week, Star magazine investigates the perilous lives of celebrity assistants. But what's the point of having power if you can't abuse it? A guide to which underling abuses are reasonable, and which will just get you sent to jail.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DON'T force your assistants to hand feed you "grapes and cubes of cheese one by one, like a bird in a nest," the way Vogue editor Andre Leon Talley does. Lying on the couch while your assistants spoon ice cream into your mouth—like Star says Mariah Carey does—is also ill-advised. When these assistants get disgruntled, they will poison you.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DO send them to pick up lunch. Just make sure the take-out container is still sealed when they give it to you.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DON'T make your assistants buy your sex toys, like Khloe Kardashian does, according to Star. Don't turn them into sex toys, either. The risk of getting sued—or everyone finding out about that weird birthmark on your genitals—is too great.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DO make your assistants buy your tampons, Herpecin, and hemorrhoid cream. They have to go to Duane Reade to pick up your prescriptions, anyway.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DON'T show them your private parts, like Star says Miley Cyrus does. They will snap a picture and send it to everyone in your Blackberry's address book—which they maintain for you—some day.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DO ask them to help you evaluate other people's private parts. They're young and probably get laid more than you do, which makes them well-informed.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DON'T "talk in a baby voice all the time," like Star reports Britney Spears does. It's annoying, and remember that nannies are allowed to spank.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DO speak in weird accents, like Angelina Jolie does, just to freak people out. "When she's mad, she talks like a Russian spy. When she's feeling flirty, she takes on the guise of a French waitress, and when she's eating she speaks with an Italian touch." And when you yell at your assistant for messing up the dry cleaning, use your best Joan Crawford impersonation.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DON'T pay your assistants minimum wage, like Lisa Rinna does, according to Star. They will leave as soon as a $15/hour position opens up with Courtney Love. Or the local sweatshop.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DO give your assistant gifts, like Playboy playmate Holly Madison does. She bought her assistant a boob job. It's the thought that counts? Wait...

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DON'T let them see the secret refrigerated room where you keep your "102 hairpieces in different length, colors, and sizes," as Star claims John Travolta did. Shit that weird gets leaked no matter how ironclad their non-disclosure agreements are.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DO convert your secret refrigerated wig room into storage space for the 500 ice cream cakes you keep available for consumption at all times. If you don't have 500 ice cream cakes available for consumption at all times, give your assistant your credit card and have him take care of it now.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DON'T ask for assistance when you're "doing deals with Hollywood heavyweights while sitting on the toilet," like Star says Drew Barrymore does. Even ass-kissers don't want to be near your ass during that.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DO ask if your ass looks fat in these jeans. Even if it does, the person you pay to be there will say "no," and you'll feel better about your fat ass.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DON'T blame your assistant when the cops find cocaine in the pocket of your jeans, like Lindsay Lohan did. Your assistant know where the bodies are buried, and he will tell the authorities to secure a plea bargain.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DO blame your assistant when you fart. It's the rich person's version of blaming the dog.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DON'T ask your assistants to hide your drugs. See above rationale.

The Definitive Guide to Abusing Your Assistant: What You Can and Can't Get Away With

DO ask your assistant to hide cigarettes from your husband, like Katie Holmes does. Unlike the person you're married to, your assistant couldn't care less if you die an early, painful, emphysema-plagued death.


[I'd like to thank all the terrible bosses of my past and my loved ones' pasts. Without your abuse, this post would never have happened. Fuck you.]

Click to view