Everything You Need to Know About Glenn Beck's 'Restoring Honor' Rally Tomorrow

Tomorrow, Glenn Beck intends to save this nation from communists and other ne'er-do-wells at his "Restoring Honor" rally, live from Washington D.C. Will you be there? Because we will! Oh, yes! In the meantime, here's what to expect.

So, will this rally, by any chance, be held at the site of Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech — the steps of the Lincoln Memorial — on its 47th anniversary?

Why in fact it will be! And it will start at 10 a.m., but you should show up at least an hour earlier for good lookin' space. Martin Luther King Jr. was said to approve of punctuality.

How big will this fucking thing be?

Estimates are between 100,000 and 300,000 attendees, based on absolutely no evidence.

Will you get murdered simply by stepping foot in Washington D.C., the Death Capital?

Most likely. But, as a friendly Tea Party guide showed us earlier this week, your chances of survival are better if you stay within the designated Tea Party Safety Oasis (blue):

Everything You Need to Know About Glenn Beck's 'Restoring Honor' Rally Tomorrow

Will this event be "non-partisan"?

Allegedly. That seems to have been a condition for the permit Glenn Beck obtained. But given that it's Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin putting on an event about fixing America, it will obviously be partisan as shit. Still, the event's main charity to support is the Special Operations Warrior Foundation (SOWF), which provides assistance to service members' families "in the event of an accident or loss of life." Glenn Beck is likely to skim off about 99% of the donations at this rally. But it's a good cause nonetheless, and if you'd like to make a donation, send to:

Everything You Need to Know About Glenn Beck's 'Restoring Honor' Rally Tomorrow

What other class acts will be there, besides Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin?

Oh, a few:

  • Dr. Alveda King: Martin Luther King Jr.'s niece and conservative Washington think-tank and pro-life movement fixture who's usually tapped for events like this to provide "black people cover" for stupid wingnuts.

  • Jo Dee Messina: the poor man's Taylor Swift, from the '90s.

  • Tony La Russa and Albert Pujols: Manager and best player for the St. Louis Cardinals, respectively. What the hell? Apparently Tony La Russa actually bought the whole "non-political" bit.

Will Al Sharpton being hosting some event a few yards away?

Why he'd love to, thanks for asking!

What weapons of death are allowed on the premises?

Oh boy. Glenn Beck's planners were expecting this. The event's website offers a fairly comprehensive list of all the cool, awesome weapons of death that will not be allowed on the freedom-disrespecting grounds:

Prohibited Items

DO NOT BRING ANY SORT OF WEAPON, INCLUDING A POCKET KNIFE

• Tents/canopies/structures
• Glass containers
• Alcoholic beverages
• Firearms (real or simulated)
• Ammunition
• Explosives or incendiary devices of any kind (including fireworks)
• Knives, blades, or sharp objects of any length
• No staking of grounds
• No digging or trenching
• No attachments to existing landscaping
• No firearms or explosive devices, no open fires

We request that you not bring the following:

• Signs political or otherwise
• Aerosols
• Laser pointers
• Mace and/or pepper spray
• Helium balloons
• Sticks or poles
• Pocket or hand tools, such as "leatherman"
• Packages, large bags, duffle bags, suitcases
• Animals other than service/guide dogs

Do note the distinction between "prohibited" items and items that they "request" you not bring, because who cares about the latter? Sticks, poles and pocket-knives appear to be legal and appropriate weapons of death.

Will Gawker's Washington political bureau be covering this event?

Why yes! We are — as of now! — credentialed, and will be sending reports from the scene. Please check back tomorrow for coverage of Glenn Beck's historic, important rally. It will be like the Martin Luther King Jr.'s "Dream" speech all over again!