Welcome to the Emmy Awards red carpet, where the stars of the small screen strut in clothes that cost more than your car does, and jewelry that costs more than your house. Let's see how they looked.

Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

January Jones' dress comes from an episode of Project Runway where everyone makes outfits out of Dixie cups. Her designer ran out of time, so they skipped doing her hair.

Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Tina Fey's dress actually says "Fuck you" in hieroglyphics.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Jimmy Fallon's wife Nancy Juvonen matches her dress to all the starlets' skin.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Is Lea Michele's head actually bigger than her waist?

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

As the herd of women descended, Jennifer Westfeldt tightened her grip on her much-desired boyfriend, Jon Hamm.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Mindy Kaling's hair is still askew from riding in on a broomstick.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

If Elisabeth Moss gets tired, she can take a nap on the airplane pillow sewn into her dress.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

"Yeah, it's ridiculous, but you know what? I'm Joan fucking Holloway. Bow down."

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Anna Paquin will be so embarrassed when she realizes her skirt got tucked into her panties.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Poor Toni Collette had to wade through a marsh to get here.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Julie Bowen silently curses the outrageously sexy costar she is constantly forced to stand next to.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Rita Wilson's dress is a catch-22 of fashion functionality: When she walks, the crystals on her shoes bangs against her toes, but sitting is no better, because she'll get stabbed in the butt.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Glee's Naya Rivera will be shooting her stylist after the show.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Naya's outfit is so ugly, it made Modern Family's Eric Stonestreet cry.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Betty White takes fashion cues from rainbow sherbet.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Jewel is no longer the most famous woman from Alaska. She's compensating by becoming its most ornately clothed one.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Jealous of how much skin his wife is showing, Seal unbuttons his shirt.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

The "Elaine from Seinfeld" look is supposedly "in," but Julia Louis-Dreyfus is having none of it.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

"Old Hollywood, get it? Because this old lady is the whole reason I even have a Hollywood career."

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Neil Patrick Harris has a chest of piano keys.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

As the only Asian female in the cast of her Emmy-nominated TV show, Jenna Ushkowitz's contract specifies she must dress like a member of the Joy Luck Club at major events.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Eva la Rue's dress was too small, so she greased herself up and slid right in. Then she cut holes in it for extra ventilation, because who wants to be greasy underneath something that doesn't breathe?

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Glenn Close is smuggling a handle of whiskey in her skirt.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Claire Danes' dress weighs more than she does.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Heather Morris' does, too.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Olivia Munn matches the drapes (of her dress) to the carpet.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

So does Jenna Fischer.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

This is the most clothing Kim Kardashian has ever worn all at once. I almost didn't recognize her without her signature skin-tight look.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

I wonder if Tony Parker gets a crick in his neck after posing for pictures all night with wife Eva Longoria.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Jayma Mays is Valley of the Dolls from the neck up, Ursula the Sexy Sea Witch from the neck down.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Everyone says Jane Lynch is going to win tonight for Outstanding Accomplishment in Yelling at Teenage Girls in Short Skirts. She changed out of her track suit for the occasion.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Emily Blunt was eating popcorn on the way over, and spilled half the bucket down the front of her dress.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Modern Family's Sarah Hyland stopped by on her way to Princess Diana's wedding.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Mariska Hargitay stopped by on her way to her own wedding.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Lauren Graham is a slutty domino.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Dianna Agron is a Goya painting come to life.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Kristen Wiig came dressed as a terrible monster with the skin of a snake and the wings of a crow.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Matching mommy-and-me outfits go out of style at the age of 5, then come back into style when you're a big star and everyone goes "Awww" when you're nice to your mom.

Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Holy crap, Kate Gosselin looks hot. Apocalypse starts now.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Amy Poehler is frostier than Ryan Seacrest's hair.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Wanda Sykes is the color of a fancy credit card.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Before he played a chronic nerd on Glee, Kevin McHale was a boy bander with pierced ears and sexy moves. When it comes to typecasting, turns out eyeglasses override pierced ears.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Emily Deschanel: Pretty purple jellyfish.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Katrina Bowden concurs: Purple jellyfish are "in" for fall.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Kyra Sedgwick accessorizes her purple jellyfish with a seabreeze-styled mane.

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Emmys Red Carpet: These People's Outfits Cost More Than Your HouseS

Kelly Osbourne has finally ditched her little old lady hair, and is now doing the Marilyn.

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