Raccoons: Only the Second of Our Plagues

Just as bedbugs have taken over our internet, our media, our tourist attractions, and our movie theaters, we get a new pest to deal with: raccoons. Yes, raccoons, where you live. Christ. What infernal vexations must we fight off next?

The NYT reports that raccoon spottings are rising throughout the five boroughs, with residents in Queens, Brooklyn, and the Bronx increasingly coming face-to-face with the bandit-eyed scavengers, toting sharp teeth and little fear. Are we being overrun? What else can the animal kingdom throw at us?

  • Geese: We tried to kill them already. They're mad.
  • Lemurs: Ditto.
  • Rats: Raccoons get all the press? The rats are jealous. They will not take this sitting down.
  • Roaches: Bedbugs get all the press? The roaches are jealous. They will get back in the headlines.
  • Cows: You think 'urban farming' is 'hip?' Yea that's what Chicago thought too, till the cow kicked over that lamp and burned down the city.
  • Birds: They can swoop down.
It's only a matter of time.
[Pic: Alan Vernon]