The U.S. Army Can Barely Do a PushupS

Drop and give me 20! No? Well, drop and give me ten. Or five. At least try. Yes, have some water. It's your special Army edition of Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—with empathy and understanding!

  • Let's face it, most US soldiers these days are obese weaklings. Whoa, whoa, whoa hey, I'm sorry, I'm just relaying what we hear "in the field" from our "sources." The latest outrage: "at one training center in 2002, 3 recruits suffered stress fractures of the pubic bone, but last year the number rose to 39." As a consequence, Army exercises now have fewer pushups and situps and more "yoga" and "Pilates" and shit like that. Is America's pubic bone ready for war?
  • Can't do a situp, soldier? You'll never make it on SURVIVING THE CUT, Sundays on the Discovery Channel. That shit is awesome.
  • Naked yoga teachers are naked. Join the Army, hippies, you'll fit right in.
  • Look at this fucking Navy SEAL workout. Do you think you're gonna make the Navy Seals doing yoga on a "bosu ball," soldier? The answer is no.
  • Why do muscles wither and die with age? Probably because you spent 20 years in the US Army and they never asked you to do a single pullup. Disgusting.
  • Doctors are trying to find "alternative" steroids, which help build muscle without the side effects of testosterone. Here's one: pushups. Drop down now and do some.
  • Soon, the government will ensure that calorie counts are posted everywhere, including "airlines, trains, grocery-store food courts, movie theaters and convenience stores." Exempt from the requirement: Army cafeterias. Sure, eat another dozen chicken-fried steaks, soldier, what's stopping you?
  • Tired of lifting heavy things? Looking for some workout gear that goes easy on the joints? They probably have plenty lying around the Army base. Don't want to strain anything.
  • How can you tell whether you should be measuring your "body mass" or your "body fat?" If you're in the Army it doesn't matter, they'll take you either way.