Trapped Chilean Miners Denied Life-Sustaining Booze and CigarettesS

Man, being trapped in a cramped mine is not the time to quit smoking or drinking. But NASA officials, who are advising the effort to rescue the 33 trapped Chilean miners, have denied their request for wine and cigarettes.

The miners included the items on a "wish list" they sent up through the six-inch hole which connects them to the surface. We imagine the wish list looked something like this:

Trapped Chilean Miners Denied Life-Sustaining Booze and CigarettesS

Because, honestly, if you've got a never-ending supply of El Gato Negro and carton upon carton of Camel Lights descending like magic from above, do you even need to be rescued? Rescued from what? Having an awesome time playing dominoes with 32 of your best friends and not having any responsibilities? Obviously NASA has denied their request because they don't want Lindsay Lohan to find a way to get herself mysteriously "trapped" in a mine with nothing to do but smoke and drink for two-to-four months.

But NASA's official reason is that the miners "need to first get their nutrition up" before getting any wine. As for the cigarettes: "It's an environment that's pretty enclosed and we don't want to contribute to any of the problems within the atmosphere of the mine." (Incidentally, this is why they're not sending down any beans into the mine: Talk about a natural gas build-up! Haw haw. But seriously, no beans because it will make them fart too much.)

Probably the most twisted part of this is that nearly four weeks into the mine disaster, Chilean officials still have not told the miners that it could take as long as four months to get them out. They have told them only that "it could take a long time." They're obviously waiting until their nutrition is up enough so they can drown out the shock with shots of Pisco.