Drugs Still Haven't Cured Getting Old, Dying

Psychosis drugs! Botox drugs! Chimpanzee hugs! Diet drugs! Porno fugs! Malaria drugs! Teenage shrugs! And dementia drugs! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—and wealth, and knowledge of self!

  • Psychosis drugs: are they good? If you have psychosis, yes. If you're just some little kid, no. If you're some little kid who might have psychosis...still no, probably not.
  • The maker of Botox is paying $600 million to settle a case about selling Botox for off-label uses. It turns out Botox should only be used to give yourself botulism, that's it.
  • What can aging chimpanzees teach us about human health? Not much, probably, but what would you have us do, grind them up for meatballs? You monster.
  • A new study says that Meridia diet pills increase your risk of a heart attack or stroke. And they're not even good diet pills either! Talk about a double whammy!
  • Watching porn while driving? Not a good idea, according to a "new study" (meaning the dude who did it just got sentenced to mad jail time, for crashing).
  • There's a new malaria drug that they think has a lot of promise. You don't even care, do you?
  • Teens that don't get enough sleep tend to eat less healthy diets. Same goes for older people, but who ever heard of a 45 year-old Abercrombie model? Might as well eat what you want, oldie.
  • Think that keeping an active mind, doing crossword puzzles and crap like that will stave off dementia? Yea, just keep thinking that. Eventually you'll forget that you did.
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