New Government Jobs Website Extremely Unhelpful for Fluffers, Rodeo Clowns

In honor of Labor Day, the U.S. Department of Labor has launched MySkillsMyFuture.org, "a new website to help out-of-work Americans find new opportunities." If you're an undertaker or an NFL player, they've got jobs for you! But poor rodeo clowns!

Our record unemployment level is about to be fixed by a website. If you type in your current or former job into the box on MySkillsMyFuture, it brings up a list of job openings in your area, along with training resources. Helpful! Here's a list of some of the jobs MySkillsMyFuture.com will recognize, along with the category it files them under:

  • Mime ("Actor")
  • Blogger ("Computer Systems Engineers")
  • Stunt driver ("Actor")
  • Astronaut ("Aerospace Engineers")
  • Karate instructor ("coaches and scouts")
  • Private investigator ("Private Detectives and Investigators")
  • Rapper ("Musician, Instrumental")
  • Undertaker ("Funeral attendants")
  • Chimney sweep ("Janitors and Cleaners")
  • Life coach ("Educational, Vocational, and School Counselors")
  • NFL Player ("Athletes and Sports Competitors")

But if your job is any of the following, the site turns up an error message. A subtle hint from the government that it may be time to consider a career change:

  • Fluffer
  • Vampire hunter
  • Drug Dealer
  • Human Pincushion
  • Vice President of America
  • Rodeo clown
  • Pet detective
  • Paparazzi
  • Senator
  • American Idol Judge

Happy Labor Day, America. Know that in these tough economic times, your contributions to society are appreciated. Even yours, human pincushions. Especially yours.