NYC's stressed! And obese! And un-restauranty! Vending machines kill! Personal trainers chill! Depression is ill! The dentist is for girls! Medical student hobos! Money and happiness! Punches in the nose! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, watching your health—degenerating!

  • NYC is only the sixth "most stressed-out city" in America, according to an absolutely made-up new piece of media bait. Hey, okayyyyyyyyyyyy! You know? Okayyyyyyyyyy.
  • But wait: 40% of NYC students are overweight! By American standards, our city is practically one big Olympic gymnastics team, shit.
  • And you know why? It's because we don't have tons of unhealthy chain restaurants, unlike in other cities we could name, where they live off of "Jack in the Box." Here in NYC our kids grow up with health bodega fare.
  • And then there's the kids who live on vending machine food, which nutritionists say should not be consumed even in survival situations where cannibalism is an option.
  • Personal trainers may be saying "slow down," but we're saying "speed up, til you throw up!" Because we have an above average attitude.
  • Having a hard time figuring out how to help your loved one with depression? Have you tried getting right in their face and shaking them as hard as you can and whispering very calmly that they better get their shit together before you give them something real to be sorry about? Not sure if that's in this story, but it could be.
  • Turns out that dental sealants give your kids high doses of an "estrogen-like chemical" called BPA. But hey, if your kid is so concerned about his perfect precious little smile, he's pretty much a girl already, right? High five.
  • Joshua Lilienstein is a California medical student. With cancer. And no health insurance. Maybe you should give up medicine and become a spokesman for discombobulation, Joshua.
  • Now scientists tell us that money can buy happiness—but only up to $75k a year, at which point the happiness levels off. Because who can eat more than $75k worth of Dairy Queen Blizzards in 12 months?
  • Science has finally figured out why it hurts to get punched in the nose. Amazing.

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