No Immigrants, No Restaurants: Our Snacking FutureS

Americans: what the hell are we eating? Sometimes we wonder that, as we idly stuff any nearby foodstuffs into our maws while in a glassy-eyed, dreamlike state. The problem: we hate immigrants, but love food. What to do?

Those of you who have worked in one of America's restaurants probably know that, according to our rough calculations, approximately 100% of back-of-house workers are illegal immigrants (the balance are white drug addicts who are saving money to move to Colorado). Of course, here in Amurka we've decided we're not so hot on the immigrants any more, legal or otherwise. Not even for the suck jobs! The NYT reports that an established French restaurauteur in San Diego is facing forfeiture of his entire restaurant just for hiring 12 undocumented workers. The government is trying to "send a message" that such hiring won't be tolerated. Where does the government propose to eat lunch, then?

"We always, always hire the undocumented workers," [a veteran Tribeca restaurateur] said. "It's not just me, it's everybody in the industry. First, they are willing to do the work. Second, they are willing to learn. Third, they are not paid as well. It's an economic decision. It's less expensive to hire an undocumented person."

The future is clear: nice restaurants, which are all powered by illegal immigrants, will crumble, after being forced to raise their prices so high that only a small minority of the rich can afford to eat there. Replacing them will be even more fast food outlets—mostly McDonald's, since they have the worst hamburgers, in line with America's taste. Eventually the concept of "meals" will disappear entirely, as Americans duck into nearby McDonald's outlets every few minutes to feed on "snacks" like beef patties wrapped in tortillas, with a side of fries 'n gravy. And at that, America's Total Feeding Awareness Status will be "Full."

And Sarah Palin will probably be President, too, seems likely.

[Pic via]