Three frat boys realized their goal of making it to finale night, leaving a path of destruction strewn with the evicted bodies of women, a gay, and one Orthodox Jew in their wake. Perfect game? Maybe. Exciting? Not one bit.
Ok, so we know we should take some time to talk about that silly hide and seek luxury competition and how Hayden spent all week wheelin' and dealin' to make it to the final two and yadda yadda yadda. But let's not bury the lead here. The only thing we really need to talk about is the fact that the only person left in the game who anyone at home wanted to make it to the final two didn't. Here's how she found out. (Warning: this may be the most upsetting Big Brother clip you'll ever see.)
And in case that wasn't hard enough to bear, here's the photo blow-by-blow recap. Sure, it isn't exactly the Kübler-Ross model for the stages of grief, but it's heartbreaking nevertheless.
You really do have to hand it to the BB production team, though. Between the cuts to Enzo laughing and the score straight out of Lost you would have that Britney was about to die on an exploding freighter or something. Then again, seeing as this news was a total "grenade"—as this summer's house guests have called any piece surprise news that comes their way—the whole freighter analogy isn't without its merits.
So, yeah, they got rid of the one player everyone wanted to make it to the final two. And then there were three. Three boring, dumb brutes who seriously think their bromantic alliance will go down in Big Brother history. This is kind of where we stopped giving a shit. With our beloved Britney on her way to the jury house, the rest of this week was be a battle between the three heads of Cerebus. Or, like, fraternal triplets. A surfer, a Jersey boy, and a Texan hulk. They may sound different, but they're all cliched versions of the same thing: dumb and boring.
We would rather just ignore these boys altogether, but if you insist on hearing about what happened, here you go. Hayden proved himself yet again by enduring being thrown repeatedly into a wall while hanging on a vine in the rain, winning the first half of this week's HoH. In round two of the three-part HOH competition, Lane and Enzo both correctly identified five Franken-faces made up of the only pictures of the house guests we've been looking at since day one. Remember how Ragan kept memorizing that Kristen had Barbie hair and Kathy had raccoon eyes? If only he were there to see his studying would not have been in vain. Lane managed to correctly identify his mashed-up photos faster than Enzo could—Enzo not win a competition? Shocker!—leaving Hayden and Lane to battle for the final HoH of the season live on finale night and hand pick who sits next to them in the final two.
There. We recapped them. Happy?
But enough about the Brigade. In the end, one of them will win and no one will care. Who we do care about, however, is the jury of evictees who continue to live away from the rest of the outside world and cause all sorts of drama. Actually, come to think of it, do you think Alison Grodner would consider just filming the jury house for the next three episodes of Big Brother? Because they're way more exciting to watch than the goons still left in the game.
Last week, cancer-survivor Kathy was extremely hurt by Matt's lie about his wife's terminal illness—or lack thereof. The only thing more exciting about last week's emotional response from Kathy to the news that Matt's wife Stacy is anything but sick was the prospect of Ragan entering the jury house and finding that little tidbit for himself. If you recall, throughout the entire season Ragan remained loyal to Matt partly because he thought him a genuine person playing the game for a noble cause. So, naturally, when he found out that wasn't the case he kind of went nuts.
Ragan, not being one to give up the center of attention for too long, then felt it was time to reveal that he had also been lying to his fellow house guests—admitting that he's a college professor with a PhD in Communications. And then Rachel whipped out her secret weapon: the ability to turn anything into being about her. She instantly instigated a rematch of the epic fight of the season between her and Ragan by cutting him off and turning his admission into a confrontation about her own game play. Shame this fight just wasn't a good one.
See? Lightning just didn't strike twice on the magic that was Ragan v. Rachel, but at least we saw them yell. With how boring the remaining house guests are, we'll take all the drama we can get. One thing I guess she hasn't quit is her lovely homophobic slurs. Oh Rachel, whatever will we do with your stupidity.
And there you have it. Britney is gone, all the good drama is in the jury house, and the three stooges continue to battle it out for a half-million dollar grand prize. Tune in next week for what is sure to be the most boring finale in Big Brother history. Or don't. Who cares anymore. Somebody get Julie Chen a beer to pour out for this dud of an ending. Grodner, out.