Sometimes the events on Jersey Shore, the greatest sociological experiment of our time, get extraordinarily trashy. That doesn't mean they aren't revelatory. What, exactly, can we learn about living in the modern age from our eight favorite guidos?
Plenty! While last night's episode was marked by a battle that ripped this clan of guidos apart, the rest of the transmission, meant only for the deepest depths of sociological research, was about the mating rituals and habits of the tribe members. We even learned about the most powerful of all artifacts: the Fossil watch.
We're not sure if this was a canny bit of product placement or if the subjects of our study just have a propensity for the brand Fossil, but it seems like the thing has taken on a kind of fetishized importance in their dating culture. The creature known as Trash Bags is given one by Jose, the boy who she is currently dating, when he arrives at the gelato shop in his "buttoned-down suit." The get up is meant to impress his intended lady, but it just makes it look like he works at Alberto Francisco's Funeral Emporium and Bakery. Anyway, the Fossil watch (delivered so classily in a wrinkled Macy's bag) is a magic amulet that is supposed to make a girl drop her panties and put out to a man.
As soon as Trash Bags puts on the watch, she is then obligated to have sex with Jose. But it's not because he bought her a gift. No it's because, as everyone keeps pointing out, it's because he bought her a Fossil watch. The guidos respect this object because it is called Fossil and fossils are old and old things have inexplicable power and meaning over these merry misfits. If a man gives of a woman such a powerful tool, she needs to repay him with sex. A blowjob at the very least. But it also serves another purpose, it marks the woman as taken or somewhat betrothed to the man who gives her the prehistoric timepiece. It's the guido equivalent of a girl wearing her boyfriend's fraternity pin. Since none of these people go to college, they use a Fossil watch instead.
This is why, after Trash Bags dons the object, Jose fells the need to tell her what to do. Trash Bags thinks this is inappropriate (women don't feel the power of the Fossil watch like the men do) and calls him "daddy" as an insult. But see, the guido male likes to be called daddy. Nearly every guidette has some sort of daddy issues. She loves and idolizes her father and only wants to mate with a male who reminds her of her mean, controlling, somewhat-emotionally-abusive father. The man she ends up with is basically a proxy for the father, and once she has settled down with the mate of her choice, the bond with her father is forever broken. When a guidette calls a man her "daddy," that means he won't only get to have intercourse with her, but will control her every action for the foreseeable future.
Conversely, as Snooki taught us, a guidette hates to be called "mommy." This is because nearly every guido has some sort of mommy issues. A guido's mother is the most important woman in his life. She cooks and cleans for him, she dotes on him and does his laundry. The only things she can't do for him is go to the gym and sit in the tanning bed, but she will make his protein shakes and make sure he doesn't forget those tiny little plastic eyeball caps they have to wear in a tanning bed. A guido's mother will never be replaced, though he will try to find a suitable substitute by sleeping with as many women as possible. So, when a guidette is called "mommy," it means that she is about to be compared to her man's maternal figure, found lacking, and then summarily dismissed. It is a death knell of their relationship.
Speaking of terms that we'll need to know for this investigation into the affairs of the guido, here are some more:
- Tan: This is not just a color or a skin tone, and it isn't just a state of mind. According to Snooki, this is its very own ethnicity. The guidos appearance and culture is so far removed from that of their fellow homo sapiens that they now classify as their own race. This might actually be true because of the genetic mutations that can be caused by excessive UVA/UVB exposure and the guidos' propensity to only breed within their own species.
- Turnovers: A sexual conquest, especially one that is taken home, used, and quickly excused so that someone else can use the communal "smoosh" bed. It is taken from parlance of restaurants (where many a guido has worked) and refers to serving one party so that it can be escorted to the front door and another party served in the same space.
- Choad: An ugly man. It is a combination of "chimichanga" and "toad" both things that guidos hate for no particular reason.
- Grundle: A ugly man, a "choad," a male "grenade." The original term was "Grendel" after the unattractive monster that terrorized the guidos' great Nordic ancestors. It slowly evolved into "grundle" because it shares a meaning with the section of a man's anatomy that is between the back of his scrotum and the beginning of his asshole (commonly referred to as a "taint"), perhaps the most unattractive part of a man's body.
- Get It In: A crass description of a sexual encounter, especially one that is done with urgency due to either time constraints or excessive horniness of one of the parties.
Now that we know their lingo, we can speak their language. That doesn't mean we'll understand them, but we can try our very, very best.
The fight that started between JWOWW and Trash Bags but lead to blows between JWOWW and Sammi certainly is a multifaceted thing for our investigation. Here is the tail end of the footage, which was started during last week's transmission.
Sammi thinks that she clearly won this fight, and we have to concur. After all, she only broke two nails and only had one hair extension pulled out. JWOWW lost three nails and had her weave dunked in a tuna "sangwich" (as DJ Paulie Deli so delightfully calls it). But it's not JWOWW's fault, because when Ronnie and the boys were breaking up the two girls, they were doing so in a way that still gave Sammi the advantage to get in some solid additional shots. This frustrated JWOWW and she threw something at Sammi even though she was across the room. Then JWOWW went after Ronnie. She is the only woman not afraid to fight a man and this is why her housemates call JWOWW "The Beast," which isn't really fair. Well, it's fair to JWOWW, just not the furry blue X-Man that shares the name.
The funny thing about this fight is it quickly involved everyone in the house. Ronnie went after Vinny for starting it in the first place, then Vinny went after Trash Bags for being shady, Snooki went after Trash Bags for trying to play both sides, then Ronnie went after Snooki and brought up shit about her ex-boyfriend, then JWOWW threw something at Ronnie, and Sammi threw something back and hit her in the head. Ha!
We're still not sure what to make of all this, but it was fun to watch, like a pack of feces-hurling monkeys cackling and swinging around the one tire swing in their cage in the shoddiest zoo in all of Oklahoma. The best part about the whole thing is that Sammi now knows who wrote The Letter, so that incident that Snooki and JWOWW borrowed from an old episode of Charles in Charge (a sacred text for the guidos) is now at an end. We were so "done" hearing about it anyway.
This fight was probably just a giant catharsis of long-simmering resentment between the members of the tribe over various and assorted incidents both captured on camera and happening in the rare intervals when these animals do something that isn't recorded or reported. The oddest result is that Ronnie has emerged as Sammi's hero and now they're even closer, even though he "peed on" her for so long. God, she really looks like a fool. She even initiated "smooshing" before he even paid for dinner or bought her a Fossil watch or anything. What a chump.
While we're talking about chumps and strange relationships, let's talk about Vinny and Trash Bags, shall we? Vinny has always been a nice, quiet, likable boy, but recently all the women of Miami have started to feel the irresistible aura of his enormous schlong. They can't stay away from it and it's starting to cause him trouble. Trash Bags feels its mysterious pull, but she doesn't want to hook up with him, because Trash Bags is prudish and she is wearing another man's Fossil watch. How does she counteract its draw? By starting fights with Vinny.
She later calls Vinny ugly and talks about how he thinks he's pretty because
his dick he is bringing home all these girls. Though Trash Bags doesn't want to sleep with Vinny, she also doesn't want him to sleep with anyone else, which is why she tells The Situation's sister, Extenuating Circumstances, that Vinny slept with Snooki. She's trying to end the relationship between Vinny and EC, which started last season. Little does she know that her ploy won't work—EC is like a drug addict, just hanging around the house waiting for another hit from her drug of choice: Vinny's cock.
And Vinny says he hates Trash Bags too because she's fake (duh) and stirs up trouble. He even came up with a pet name for her: the Staten Island Dump. Oh snap! And Vinny should know about that because they are both from the same part of that tired little booger of an island that Manhattan has been trying to flick off its finger for centuries. Can't Staten Island just sink into the Atlantic Ocean like a modern Atlantis? Too bad it's abundance of refuse keeps it perpetually afloat. Anyway, Vinny tries to distract himself by treating a Hooter's waitress wearing Angel perfume (an irresistible aphrodisiac to most guidos) to the wonders of his penis, but it doesn't work. Sooner or later the masks of hatred come off both Trash Bags and Vinny and they have to do what comes naturally.
That's right, Vinny and Trash Bags hooked up! Just like in second grade their contempt was really just a disguise for a deep-seated lust. As DJ Paulie (Love) Doctor points out, it's inevitable that they hook up because they are both from Staten Island. Not only do guidos like to stay within their ethnicity, they don't even like to mate for life too far from their local area. Though all guidos are basically the same, there are slight regional difference that make sticking close to home that much easier. See, these things are just like human beings after all.
Speaking of hooking up, Snooki got some action of her own from a rather attractive gentleman with the ugly name of Dennis. The first night he came home with her from the club he proceeded to cook himself tacos before he could sleep with her. We thought it was just The Situation that needed to fuel himself before sleeping with a woman, but this now seems to be a trait that is common among all guidos. Is it possible that Vinny isn't the only one with a massive member, and one of the character traits of their new mutated race is abnormally large penises? That would explain the need to consume all that caloric energy before a bout of love-making. After all, it's tough work keeping a thing that big up! Once he's eaten some tacos, it's time to go to bed and eat Snooki's taco (if you know what I'm sayin'!).
Romantic entanglements in the guido culture move much faster than they do for average humans. While some, like Trash Bags, wait to be wearing a magical Fossil watch before putting out, many guidettes view hooking up as a sort of hand shake. While Snooki claims she didn't "smoosh" on the first night, it's obvious from her moans that there had to be some below the belt action. During the act of communal intimacy, a guidette takes the time to ask questions and get to know the man. After all, she doesn't want to date someone who is bad in the sack, so why bother to get to know him until he is a proven winner where it counts. It appears that Dennis is very skilled, which is why Snooki's questions get more frequent and detailed as their entanglement progresses. The more she gets, the more she wants, which means a need for more information.
Snooki liked it so much that she invited Dennis over for a second night. While all that was needed for their initial encounter was some tacos and a smile, now that Snooki knows the skill Dennis has in the sack, she is going to give him the full romantic treatment. That means first disinfecting the "smash room" from the previous "turnovers," applying makeup, swaddling her flesh in the sweet aroma of Angel perfume, and then smearing lotion all over her body, particularly on her butt. We're not sure why her butt needs so much moisture before coupling, but we're going to take her word for it and not make any jokes about baboons, though the temptation to do the later is significant.
Snooki gets her man to come over a second time to create the baboon with two backs, but JWOWW is sitting around bored, so she tells Snooki to have Dennis bring over a hot friend. He arrives with something that Snooki best describes, in their sophisticated argot, as a "grenade grundel choad." Oh, no harsher insult could be levied, but, in fairness, the dude did look like Frankenstein in a "going out shirt." The less said about him the better, no one wants to spend time discussing an ugly man.
JWOWW wasn't the only one dismissing unsavory mates. DJ Paulie Doctor had a medical diagnosis for one lady he met on the beach.
We're beginning to worry a little bit about DJ Paulie Delirious. While it's obviously a smart thing to avoid infection from a giant sore on a woman's mouth, his behavior has become increasingly erratic. We're afraid that he might be the one with some sort of herpetic infection in his brain. Just look at the evidence. First of all, "herpey" isn't even a word. We don't believe the virus exists in the singular. And if it did, how would you spell it? "Herpey," like it's some sort of chocolate bar? "Herpe," like it's a French immigrant? "Herpè," like it's an expensive handbag you had to wait three years to get? We're not sure.
Also, all we've seen DJ Paulie Diagnosis do all season is run around and scream. He was walking around slurring and wobbling in a way that we haven't seen before. Sure, he had been drinking, but his tolerance should be better than that. We have a feeling that some sort of virus—most likely of the sexually-transmitted variety or one of those nasty worms that Khan places in people's ears in Star Trek II—has entered his brain and is interfering with it. Perhaps it is even fueled or otherwise exacerbated by alcohol. We believe it will require further observation before a full prognosis can be reached.
Speaking of which, we'll have a special opportunity for observation of all of our favorite subjects this Sunday night at 7pm before the VMAs. For all that are interested in discussing their behavior in real time, stop by and join the Jersey Shore live blog. You aren't required to wear a lab coat or protective goggles, but it is strongly recommended.