Sometimes the eight guidos we follow on Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time, find people to mate with. Sometimes they fail spectacularly. It seems we can learn even more when they strike out.
On last Thursday's transmission, everyone got lucky. In this special Sunday dispatch from their camera-rigged group habitat in Miami, it looked like people were getting about as lucky someone who has rain on their wedding day (or a fly in their chardonnay or a million forks when all they need is a knife). There were far more strike outs this go around then there were home runs. But before we can get to their pathetic attempts at getting laid, let's look at a couple words that we'll need to know for our study to continue.
- Bink: It is a cognate from the ancient Italian that means, "someone who is fresh." In this instance fresh doesn't just out of the package like a new pair of socks or sassy like when you talk back to your mother and she calls you "fresh." No, this is fresh as in cool, mint, or otherwise fabulous.
- Rarest Roses: A woman who is attractive, intelligent, interesting, and talented enough to warrant having a relationship with or introducing to one's family. Its antonym is a "wilted weed," which is a girl who is just barely cute enough to fuck and then show the door.
The creature known as Trash Bags is not a rare rose. In the words of her clan members she is nothing more than a common slut. After she went around trashing Vinny and then hooked up with him, the seven other members of the house—including Vinny—are all discussing what a filthy whore she is. See, the guidos and guidettes don't pass judgment on promiscuous people. They have no problem with sluts. What they do have a problem with is hypocrites. If Trash Bags had just hooked up with Vinny, it would have been high fives all around. But no, she did it after talking shit about him, which is the most egregious offense against the Guido Code. That she then went and acted against her own shit talking, well, that just proves that all the shit she talked was lies. If she were spreading the truth—even her own truth—she might get away with it. But this—this is just despicable.
And not only was she being two-faced about sleeping with Vinny, but she is stringing along Jose, the man generous enough to buy her a Fossil watch—which is like an object of betrothal to a guido—and not having sex with him, but having sex with Vinny, the man she purportedly hates.
As Vinny and the roommates point out, Trash Bags has uncovered a truth not only about guidettes but about many people in general: they love the ones that treat them like shit. Vinny nicknamed Trash Bags the Staten Island Dump (which is an appropriate place for Trash Bags indeed) and accused her of being trifling and manipulative to her face. What does he get in return? He gets to fuck her.
Yes, it's sad but true, we're often attracted to the people who behave most rudely to us. This may be because we really hate ourselves and feel like we need abuse. This might be because if you can sleep with someone who maligns you, then you prove to them, and therefore the world, that you are a person worth loving. Maybe it's because we don't have ready access to an S&M club or regular doses of lashes and suspension bondage so we crave any sort of punishment we can get. It's all a mystery, but it's true.
Trash Bags has also created a very real problem for herself: Snooki is pissed. Snooki hooked up with Vinny herself just a few weeks ago. Really, neither of these women can be blamed because Vinny's enormous penis has them hypnotized to behave in very strange ways. Now Snooki is feeling territorial and doesn't want Trash Bags tapping into her very personal stash of huge dick, which is sort of like an addictive narcotic for all around it. She says that when Trash Bags hooked up with Vinny, it not only proved she was a whore and hypocrite, but also "loosey goosey" for being able to fit Vinny's colossal cock in her. This is, indeed, a very cutting insult. Being promiscuous is one thing, but to permanently disfigure one's vagina to the extent that no other man will be able to feel pleasure in it again—well, that's just inexcusable.
But Trash Bags doesn't need to worry about Snooki right away. She faces an even bigger threat in The Situation. Not only is The Situation territorial about the women that he's slept with in the past, he's also very competitive with other men and can be kind of an asshole. Because of this Trash Bags rightfully deduces that he'll tell Trash Bag's intended, Jose—who has yet to taste the barely appetizing ambrosia of her loins—that Trash Bags hooked up with Vinny. She cancels one date with Jose to keep him away from The Situation, but they inevitably run into each other.
Poor Jose, he does not know how to get laid. He goes around being nice to girls, being patient about getting them into bed, buying them gifts, taking them out on dates, paying them compliments, and showing them nothing but respect. Doesn't he realize that's not going to get him anything but dumped. He's better off just spending all that money on a $40 rub and tug at the Korean massage parlor in the shady party of town. It will bring him double the satisfaction at half the cost.
With some prodding from The Situation, Trash Bags tells Jose about her tryst with Vinny, but is sketchy on the details because she figures the less he knows, the more she can just continue to lie to him, string him along, and take him for all the trinkets and treasures he's worth. Jose decides to forgive her because she was honest, but as long as it doesn't happen again.
The oddest thing about the budding romance between Trash Bags and Jose is that all the male members of the clan seem to really like Jose. Why is this? Because they all feel superior to him because all the men of the house have slept with Trash Bags. Yes, that's right all of them. We know that The Situation, DJ Paulie Double, and Vinny certainly have, and we have a feeling that Trash Bags put on a pair of glasses and laid limply in a bed one night and pretended to be Sammi when Ronnie came home drunk and fooled him into fucking her. She just whined and said, "I'm done. I'm done. I'm dooooonnnneee," over and over again and he thought it was definitely Sammi. Trash Bags really just wanted to collect the full set of four roommates, like the men in the house were Star Wars glasses being handed out at McDonald's or something. So yes, Trash Bags is everyone's sloppy seconds.
Yes, the male guidos are very competitive with each other when it comes to scoring women. Before any members of the clan have slept with a woman, she is fair game to all. Whoever is the first to land any woman is given a position of power within the group, because his virility is more potent than his cohorts. However, once a woman has been otherwise marked by one member of the group, any subsequent guido of the same tribe that sleeps with her will be looked down upon. It's only the first conquest that matters and any subsequent endeavor is just a shabby sequel compared with the initial event.
That is why when The Situation meets a girl but decides to "drop her" for a better specimen, Vinny can still swoop in for the kill. This offends The Situation who has to assert his superiority by taking the girl back.
This was really a dick move on The Situation's part. And speaking of dick movies, the woman was still magnetically drawn toward Vinny and the aura of his gigantic member, even while The Situation was physically restraining her against the wall. It's karmic justice—or tantric justice in this instance, since they were partying at Karma's sister nightclub Tantra—that when The Situation took this girl home, she got him all aroused and then left abruptly saying, "Sorry I have a boyfriend."
Yes, she and her friend stranded the Situation and DJ Paulie Dilemma after they had worked themselves into their beds and their sweatpants (why having a woman in dowdy men's workout trousers is sexually appealing, we have yet to decipher, but we bet it has something to do with the sacred GTL ritual). Not only did they do this, but they seemed to take great joy in leaving them without any sexual outlet whatsoever. Maybe this was revenge for treating them like interchangeable sex objects or for pawing and clawing at them for hours on end. Regardless, it seemed justified.
Left in a predicament where their engorged members didn't have any relief (and Trash Bags said she had a head ache and didn't want to "take care of them") the pair had nothing to do but call all the random phone numbers they had stashed hoping to find a woman desperate enough to show up at six in the morning. Finally they did, but only one. While DJ Paulie Diehard supped on the flesh of his young maiden, The Situation supped on an egg sandwich and watched as his cohort ravaged a woman in front of him. The Situation pretended like this was a victory for the both of them, but you know that each gulp he took of egg salad also had a healthy helping of tears to go along with it.
All three of these women—the two that left, and the sorry one who showed up at sunrise—are just anonymous women to have sex with. See, the guidos possess a very powerful tome, The Book of Love, in which the name of every woman worth marrying is written. Along with her name, her attributes are listed, usually pertaining to her appearance, family lineage, and other defining characteristics. When DJ Paulie Description says that he met a woman with a posterior that was so delightful it can only be called "an ass you read about" it means that he stumbled across one of the women who is listed in the book and had actually already read about her mythically perfect ass. When such a specimen is encountered, she can't be taken home, forced to don workout gear, and bedded for sport. No, she must be taken out to dinner, bought flowers, showered with affection, and otherwise treated to all the perks of courtship that women have grown accustomed to since the golden era of chivalry.
Vinny thinks he has found such a woman as well, because with a distinctive name like Ramona, a woman must either be a character from a Beverly Clearly book, a bug-eyed Real Housewife, or a stripper at a nightclub in Miami who is worth marrying. To mark the auspicious occasion of finding two of the women listed in The Book, the pair decide to go on a double date. The problem is, Vinny's entry from The Book of Love calls and says she's not interested in dating. What's a boy to do? Beg, of course.
Oh, Vinny, you're not adorable; you're pathetic. Just because you finally found a female who is worthy of your respect doesn't mean that she's going to respect you back. Can't you tell that she has absolutely zero interest in getting to know you better? No, just because you stumble across one of the elusive personages that have been selected by your guido ancestors as worth marrying doesn't mean you automatically get to drag them to the altar. They are not cave women and they will not be dragged by their hair extensions back to your Jacuzzi and shackled there for eternity.
Luckily Vinny has all the pasta, chicken, sausage and peppers, Entenmann's snack cakes, Yodels, and other goodies that his mother brought for him when she came to visit from Staten Island. She also brings with her Uncle Nino, who is an O.G.—original guido. He is one of the elders who huddled around with his companions and drafted the great Guido Code and wrote down all the names in the Book of Love, including those of Snooki and JWOWW, both of whom Uncle Nino would marry if he had the chance. However, Sammi is not listed in the Book (too crazy) nor is Trash Bags (do we need to explain why?). When Uncle Nino arrives, all the guidos have to show him respect, even though they can't understand a word he says.
It's not that his accent is thick or that he talks too fast. No, the reason no one can understand Uncle Nino is because he had a very powerful curse placed on him by none other than The Duck Phone, the guido's forsaken household god.
See, one day Uncle Nino was calling up one of the women who was listed in the Book of Love and he was going to make a date with her and romance her into marrying him. Before he dialed the number, the Duck Phone told Uncle Nino that he needed to make a sacrifice to the Duck Phone if he wanted to win over his intended. Full of the hubris that has haunted the guido race for centuries, Nino refused, thinking that his charm, good looks, and sense of humor would be enough to win over this nice young lady, Angela Funacella. The Duck Phone warned him that if he placed the call before making a sacrifice, that he would indeed suffer. Of course, Nino didn't believe him and he punched in those digits and Angela, waiting by the phone for this nice gentleman to call, quickly answered.
"Hello," she said, politely.
"Quack!" was the response?
"Nino? Is that you?"
"Quack," was all that answered back.
"Come on, this isn't funny!" Angela said.
Nino paused and took a deep swallow. He know that if he couldn't speak to Angela through the Duck Phone that he would never have a shot at romantic happiness again. He tentatively opened up his mouth, the receiver shaking in his hand as he held it too his head. He closed his mouth and swallowed again and got read to speak.
"Quack!" is all that come out.
"That's enough. Don't you dare call me again. Prank calls aren't funny," Angela screamed and slammed down the phone.
Nino turned to his friends who were sitting nearby and laughing at the foreign sounds that were coming out of his body. As he tried to speak he just heard, "Quack quack quacking quacked quack quackly quack-a-quack quack-quack."
It wasn't just through the phone, the Duck Phone had stolen his voice forever and installed in its place a strange instrument that sounded much like the Duck Phone itself. Yes, the guido way of love is strange and fraught with peril, and even when it seems like happiness is certain, there are still vast cosmic forces at play that we have barely been able to understand.