What a night for the Tea Party! The far-right, Sarah Palin-endorsed, anti-masturbation Christine O'Donnell, won the Republican Senate nomination in Delaware, while racist New York multimillionaire Carl Paladino took the Republican Governor's nomination in New York. What else happened?
Yes, that is a video of Delaware Republican Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell, all up in her Elaine Benes attire, telling MTV why masturbation is bad. But she's not the only thing that happened on Tuesday night! Here are some more of Tuesday's primary highlights:
The biggest story of the night was Christine O'Donnell's upset over longtime Delaware congressman Mike Castle, a moderate, for the Republican Senate nomination. O'Donnell, who received endorsements from Sarah Palin, once appeared on MTV (see above) to warn teens against masturbation.
Her win over Castle, who was a popular guy likely to win the Senate race in a walk, represents a major victory for The Tea Party and a big loss for Republicans who like to masturbate. It's also a big victory for her Democratic opponent Chris Coons, who should beat her easily, though the way things are going for Democrats these days, who knows.
In New York, Carl Paladino beat former Senate candidate Rick Lazio for the Republican nomination for Governor. Paladino, who is fond of sending racist emails and also emails about "Miss France 2008 fucking", was a Tea Party favorite. "Tonight the ruling class knows. They have seen it now. There is a people's revolution," said the multimillionaire businessman during his victory speech. He will go on to be beaten by the mysterious force known as Andrew Cuomo.
In the Senate race, Joseph DioGuardi, who is the father of a former American Idol judge (hint: Not Simon), will face off as the Republican candidate against incumbent Senator Kristen Gillibrand. He will almost definitely lose, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't come up with amusing skits predicated on his American Idol connection.
Charlie Rangel, the lovable Manhattan congressman, won his seat for the zillionth time, despite being hella corrupt.
And, in the best news we've heard all night, corrupt, criminal asshole Pedro Espada lost his State Senate race to Gustavo Rivera, fulfilling the dying wishes of Alex Pareene.
Incumbent Mayor Adrian Fenty was beaten by Council Chairman Vincent Gray. During Fenty's post-election party, some dude apparently fell through a window. He was cut up pretty bad, but seems to be okay.
Former Governor Bob Ehrlich, a Republican, will go up against incumbent Democrat Martin O'Malley in the Maryland governor's race. The race is a close one, though we're inclined to go with O'Malley since he is based on a character from The Wire. Or maybe vice versa.
Rhode Island, Wisconsin
In Rhode Island, David Cicilline will be the Democratic nominee for Patrick Kennedy's old House seat, running against John Loughlin, and in Wisconsin, businessman Ron Johnson won the right to take on Russ Feingold.