Darlene's Boyfriend Makes More Money Than You Could Ever Dream Of

Not as much as Roseanne won in the lottery, but still a lot. Also today: House's sexy doctor lady gets a new movie role, as does sexy Kevin James, while Robert Redford's latest movie gets a deal.

Here's your first bit of terrific news. Kevin James has a new movie coming out! No, it's not Paul Blart 2: 2 Pauly, 2 Blarty. (Yet.) It's about an unassuming high school physics teacher who does secret martial arts fighting on the side in an effort to save the music program at his school. So basically it's called Fat Man Does Karate Hah Hah. Didn't Danny McBride sort of already do this movie? What about that Chris Farley one, Beverly Hills Shanghai Ninja Knights or whatever? All movies about fat men doing karate. Ha ha. Get with it, Hollywood! I think it's time you went down to the Ideas Store and picked up a few new ideas, right folks? [Variety]

Here's another bit of terrific news. How much do you guys make in a week? A few hundred? A thousand? Do you make $200,000 a week? If not, then you are officially not in the main cast of The Big Bang Theory. Sorry. I know you thought you might be in the main cast of The Big Bang Theory, but if you don't make $200,000/week, like they will for Season 5, then you just are not. Maybe you are one of the supporting characters, those other nerds? You know, there are the nerds on the show, and then there are the other nerds? Maybe you are them. Or maybe you're the horse that tried to kill Kaley Cuoco? It's possible you are the horse. It might even be likely. Either way, you do not make $200,000 a week, which is a normal salary for a human being to make these days. [THR]

Sex bobcat Olivia Wilde has been cast in a new movie. The House: Legacy actress will star alongside Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman in The Change Up. Good move, Bateman. The Switch didn't work, but maybe The Change Up will. Those titles are very different from one another. This one is written by the guys that wrote The Hangover and it's about a slacker (Reynolds) (also, can we please stop it with the slacker movies?) who SWITCHES bodies with his best friend, a married dude played by Bateman. So it's basically Freaky Friday, but for Dudes. Also, "The Change Up"? What does that even mean? "Our bodies changed up." No, your bodies switched. Bateman, stop shooting yourself in the foot with these movie titles. What's next, a new comedy show called Halted Progress? [Deadline]

Speaking of martial arts movies! The completely sense-making duo of Russell Crowe and The RZA are joining forces to make a kung fu picture called The Man With the Iron Fist. It's to be a gay pornography film about men who eat a lot of steak, work at a smelting plant, and like to... well, you know. RZA, who will direct the movie, worked with Crowe previously in American Gangster. So there you have it. Two normal pals, throwing hotel phones at each other and fisting like crazy. [WSJ]

News from the North! The frozen tundras of Canada have produced more movie items for your Yankee enjoyment. Today it's about movies that have found distributors at the Toronto Film Festival. First there's the prestige-y Robert Redford dramatical The Conspirator, about the assassination of Glenn Beck's longtime best friend, Abraham Lincoln. Lionsgate and Roadside Attractions will partner up to distribute the film, which stars Robin Wright, James McAvoy, Evan Rachel Wood, Alexis Bledel, and, bizarrely, Justin Long. Justin Long in a period piece! Curious. [Variety] The next movie is Submarine, a British teen flick starring Sally Hawkins and Noah Taylor. Well, they're not playing the teens. It would be fascinating if they were (someone should make that movie), but they're not. No, the main teen is this fellow and he would like to lose his virginity. Original idea! Looks like the Ideas Store UK isn't doing great business either. Oh well. There was a crazy bidding war and the Weinstein Brothers were holding the bouquet at the end of the tussle. Good work, boys. [Variety]

The Jada Pinkett TNT series HawthoRNe (she's a nurse, see??) has been renewed for a third season. Though no one anywhere ever talks about the show, it does have pretty decent ratings. Still though, do you think anyone would ever cancel Will Smith's wife's TV show? That would be a scary, scary thing to do. I've seen that man punch an alien, several times. Yeah, he was donkey punching some guy named Jesús at a sex club. ZIMBO-ZAMBO. [Deadline]