The Week We Remembered Delaware

We'd forgotten it was a state, but now we remember that it is and we wish it wasn't. Let's take a look back at how this all happened.

So this crazy lady named Christine O'Donnell defeated an old man in battle and now she is queen of Delaware. This made Karl Rove very sad. And no one likes Karl Rove to feel sad! Even Sarah Palin, the bloody war god in whose honor Christine O'Donnell makes sacrifices, told him to cheer up. Then everyone went home and, no they didn't hug gay people they know, they actually just masturbated all over each other, like Jesus would want.

Scared that Delaware was making a run for the Craziest State championship title, South Carolina had a costume party.

You know what's confusing in life? The internet. It's always pulling hoaxes on fat drug addicts. It's always stalking hot teens. It's always telling us to molest people, or something. And it's always calling us mean names. And yet we always come crawling back! Why do we do that, I wonder? Probably for things like this.

The world is a strange place. Men fall from the sky and then disappear. Killer cobras stalk the streets of China. Claire Danes makes faces other than crumple-face cry. Somehow Justin Timberlake has become a nerd god. Everyone's getting crazy super-diseases. And the elderly just won't stop fucking (and catching diseases!) Sometimes the world is so weird and scary it feels like we're on acid-drugs or something!

At least there's always television to sooth our souls. Jersey Shore is sexxxy. Mad Men has lots of beaver shots, or something. Gossip Girl is for silly-billies. Project Runway killed the president. And Real Housewives of D.C. is slowly sucking our will to live.

Do you have no Koran? That is sad. Maybe some of these fall books will suffice instead.

You know who sucks? Katy Perry. Making babies smoke weed kind of sucks too. Lots of things suck these days. But not this guy! Not at all.

But enough complaining. At the end of the week, I think we can all be grateful for one thing: At least this isn't our job.

OK bye! Safe weekends.

[Image via Getty]