How to Tell If Your Kid Is Gay

Parents often find themselves trying to determine if their little tomboy will end up loving the ladies, or if their Little Lord Fauntleroy will like boy-on-boy. They probably will, say scientists. What are some other signs your offspring is queer?

According to this rundown by (gay) psychologist Jesse Bering, recent studies indicate that "gender-variant behavior" (i.e. girls who play with trucks and boys who play with dolls) is a good predictor of whether or not a child will turn out to be a practicing homosexual. Bering, who works at Queen's University (seriously) in Belfast, says that not all children who take up the stereotypical behavior of members of the opposite sex will end up wanting to go to bed with members of the same sex, but it is a good indicator.

All this talk of "pre-homosexuals" and "sexed-type behavior" is way too scientific and complicated, so we're going to break it down for you. If your young one exhibits any of the following behaviors, he or she is going to grow up to wave the rainbow flag. But don't worry! You can look forward to having someone to go shopping with you, or help you fix your leaky roof.

  • When your son is done taking a bath, he drapes a yellow towel over his head, runs his hands through his beautiful blond hair, and informs you he'll only answer to the name "Charisse."
  • Your daughter spends more time in ballet class trying to make sure the bar is properly affixed to the wall than learning first position.
  • At your son's first tee ball practice, he asked all his teammates if they are pitchers or catchers.
  • The first thing on your daughter's Christmas list is flannel shirts. The second is a bond for college tuition. (Smith is expensive!)
  • No matter what your gay party planner friends tell you, a boy asking for Broadway legend Betty Buckley to perform at his ninth birthday party is not common at all.
  • Your daughter insists on sleeping on top of her Dora the Explorer bed spread, not under it.
  • When your daughter plays "House," she pretends to be an annoying doctor with a pill-addiction and a limp.
  • Even though it's football, if your son has an obsession with either Tom Brady or Mark Sanchez, then he's totally a 'mo. Same goes for your daughter.
  • Your son tells you he wants to dress up for Halloween like his idol, Entertainment Tonight's Mary Hart.
  • If you buy your daughter the overalls she's been asking for, you might as well just buy her the Meshell Ndegeocello CD to match.
  • Finding your son wearing his mother's high heels doesn't mean he's gay. Finding your son wearing his mother's "fiercest" high heels does.
  • Months ago, your daughter caught 5 minutes of Mad Men while you were watching it and she still asks about her "friend" Sally Draper.
  • Your kid requests a Justin Bieber haircut. This is true for children of both sexes.
  • Lacrosse is totally gay. Just sayin'.
  • If you ever voted for a homophobic Republican political candidate, your child is gay. Karma is a bitch like that.

Your turn! What have you seen that clearly signified a child was gay?

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