No matter how horrible a woman is, we would never call her a "witch"—unless she actually practiced witchcraft. Republican senate candidate Christine O'Donnell is a witch. Back in 1999, she told Bill Maher that she 'dabbled in witchcraft'.
I dabbled into witchcraft. I hung around people who were doing these things. I'm not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do. One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar and I didn't know it. I mean, there was a little blood there and stuff like that.
We went to a movie and then had a little picnic on a satanic altar.
Oh, big deal. It was the 90s. You practically couldn't start a day care center without some kind of Satanic affiliation.
But this explains so much! For example, it explains why our eyes start to bleed whenever we see Christine O'Donnell on TV. (And, also, why cows in Delaware keep giving birth to calves with human faces.) But It's good to see that witches are finally overcoming America's deeply-entrenched anti-witch bigotry. They had such a rough time of it in the 1600s. Seriously, though, O'Donnell is the most exciting openly-supernatural candidate since Ralph Nader revealed he was a magick shape-shifting gnome. But how is this revelation going to play with the GOP's strong warlock base? Paging Politico!