Today we looked at the new, glorious Republican Pledge to America. It's a stirring document, full of hope and exceptionalism and misty-eyed vagueness. But what about the other side? Where is the Democrat pledge? One commenter gave us a copy.
Time to Unveil the Democrats' "Covenant with America."
I know we didn't want to show our hand too early, guys, but it seems like the Republicans know all about our plan anyway.
COVENANT WITH AMERICA
America is more than a country.
America is an idea – an idea that gay sex-witches can govern the innocents, that government's powers are derived from the consent of Satan, that each of us is endowed by Lady GaGa with the unalienable rights to anal beads, kitten murder, and the pursuit of raves. America is the belief that any trannie can – given economic, political, and religious subjugation – advance the wearing of cut-off jeans that expose the ass cheeks.
The Democrats' Coven of Terrorism promises to you:
* We'll make it illegal to be a White man, because we're threatened by how much better than us they are.
* No more Christianity. Those little wafer things they make you eat in church are gross. Daily blood-drinking, however, will be required.
* Women will rule the coven, because they're already all witches.
* Ugly ladies will be held in the highest esteem of all, and will enjoy the added benefit of whipping Rush Limbaugh because he's always right.
* Free Tater-Tots to all terrorists.
* Marriage will be officially destroyed. Twinks and Bears, we're calling on you to spearhead this operation.
* July 4 will henceforth be known as "Hock a Lugie on the Flag" Day.
* Wal-Mart will be shuttered.
* All feminists will get their own decent, freedom-loving man to cook for them like a total pansy.
* No one will think of the children.
So there you have it. Time to mount up, gay sex-witches!
Programming note! I, gay sex-witch Richard Lawson, will be going on a trip to South America later today (for the purposes of Nazi hunting and to eat some Urguayan soccer players), so I will not be here to award commenting prizes. Someone else might do it in my stead, someone might not. We'll see! But I will be back on Monday 10/4 to once again wade through all your bullshit and pick the least worst thing you've said. Kidding! You're great.