New York is set to issue new guidelines on how restaurants pay their workers. New recommendations: $5 per hour wages, mandatory tip pooling. Our hardworking servers deserve more! Some suggested justice-based restaurant worker laws, below. Add your own!

  • Tipped workers should still make at least minimum wage. Come on.
  • Actually, tipped workers should make a living wage, and tipping should become a standard reward for good service rather than a way for restaurateurs to weasel out of paying their workers like everyone else everywhere. Come on.
  • Restaurant workers are legally allowed to stab you if you walk into their kitchen.
  • Whoever does the most cleaning at the end of the night gets a mandatory extra 10% of the tips.
  • If you send food back to the kitchen, and a quorum of restaurant managers cannot find anything wrong with it, you will be charged for it.
  • If you ask the pretty waitress for her phone number and she doesn't want to give it to you, a $50 surcharge will be added to your bill.
  • Customers who sexually harass restaurant staff will be made into sausage.
  • Restaurant owners who vote Republican are required to clean their own bathrooms.
  • Restaurant uniforms are legally barred from being dorky.
  • If a customer orders so many drinks at a restaurant that they become surly, a "0" will be added to the end of their bill.
  • Patrons must display a number of fake smiles equal to the number of fake smiles displayed by their servers.

[Put your own better ones in the comments. Pic via]