Americans: Still Not Eating Their Damn Vegetables

Americans hate vegetables. Every possible trick, tactic and marketing ploy has failed. We will forever be a nation of spongey vegetablephobes. So say the New York Times in a long investigation of why the hell won't Americans eat their vegetables?

The tone of exasperation runs deep in this oneā€”not just in the reporter's own prose (On the possibility of getting Americans to eat more vegetables: "Good luck") but also in the voices of health experts, vegetable producers and harried consumers.

Here are a few of the efforts detailed in the article, which have all failed to beat it into Americans' heads that fries don't count as vegetables:


  • Marketing baby carrots as "junk food," complete with an iPhone app and 'hip' advertising
  • Easy-to-prepare broccoli that you can microwave
  • Michelle Obama going on and on about her organic vegetable garden
  • Government recommendation of nine servings of fruits and vegetables daily
  • Programs in school based around organic gardening

None of it works! Only 23 percent of American meals include a vegetable, according to a report cited in the Times. Complaints range from vegetables are disgusting to "I don't know how to cook a zucchini". (To be fair, zucchini's are disgusting.)

Clearly, scientists must develop genetically-engineered humans that don't need vegetables to be healthy. It's our only hope.