Gossip Girl: Hamilton in the House

Whether the rich, beautiful youngsters on Gossip Girl are going to Columbia, raping teens, or attending to Fashion's Night Out there's only one thing that matters: power. Who has it, who wants it, and who comes out on top?

To determine this (and because Richard is on vacation and probably passed out among the trellises of a Chilean vineyard right about now) we've revived our patented Gossip Girl power rankings for this very special Anna Wintour-flavored episode of the show where Blair and Serena start school, fight over being admitted to the exclusive Hamilton House, and go to Diane von Furstenberg's party for Fashion's Night Out. Don't they know that shit was weeks ago?

Gossip Girl: Hamilton in the House

Lily:
Fashion Points: Cute orange print boat neck dress: +1
Personality Flaw: It's really sweet that she still cares about Chuck even though she's not married to his father anymore: +1, Rufus is making it hard for her to care about him: -1
Power Play: Friends with Diane von Furstenburg: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Convinces Rufus to be nice to Chuck twice: +2
Social Schemes: Forces Erik to get over his problems with Chuck: +1, Ultimate Mean Girl Lily Bass holds all the keys to Hamilton house: +3, Gets Juliet booted from Hamilton House: +2
Total: 10

Gossip Girl: Hamilton in the House

Dorota:
Personality Flaw: Watches too much Law & Order: Special Victim's Unit: -1, Always knows when champagne is needed: +3
Power Play: Redesigned Serena's bedroom: +2
Social Schemes: The mastermind for the entire Blair and Serena fighting ruse: +4
Total: 8
Power Position: Down

Gossip Girl: Hamilton in the House

Blair:
Fashion Points: Her sparkly silver dress for Fashion's Night Out is far superior to Serena's: +2
Power Play: Knows nothing without Gossip Girl: -1, Gets into Hamilton House: +3, We get to watch her harass Penelope for another three years: +1, She thinks she's the queen bee of Hamilton House after only a day: +1, Friends with Charlotte Ronson: +1, Gets to be roomies with Serena: +1, Doesn't she realize that Serena will keep her up all night boffing all her suitors in the room next door?: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Tells off Chuck's new girlfriend: +1, Her plan to separate Chuck and his silly new girl fails: -2
Social Schemes: Juliet is totally playing her with the whole Hamilton House thing: -2, Gossip Girl exposes her lie to Serena: -2, Juliet besmirches her name to Serena: -2, Serena thinks Blair has the power to pull that off: +1, Exposes Juliet with her fake footage of her fight with Serena. Classic Blair Waldorf: +4
Total: 4

Gossip Girl: Hamilton in the House

Eric:
Fashion Points: Thank Jesus he got a haircut: +3, Doesn't know how to tie a bow tie: -1
Power Play: Has Chuck banned from the van der Woodsen household: +1, Gets to meet power gay Hamish Bowles: +1, Is forced to talk to Chuck and his new girlfriend anyway: -1
Sexual Intrigue: His boyfriend is away at Yale, so no nookie for Eric: -2
Social Schemes: Tells Rufus that Chuck tried to rape Jenny at that Never Kissed a First Kiss Kiss on the Lips of Love party in season one: +2
Total: 3

Gossip Girl: Hamilton in the House

Dan:
Family Secrets: Everyone knows that baby Milo isn't his: -1, Rufus tells him that Milo isn't his: +2
Fashion Points: Milo dresses better than he does: -1, Definitely more of a Tom Selleck than a Steve Guttenberg: 0 (just observation), Thinks Vanessa's furniture is ugly: +2
Power Play: Still wants to care for Milo even though Georgina is gone and it's not his. This is actually kind of sweet: +2, Georgina takes her baby back (baby back baby back): -1
Sexual Intrigue: Invites Vanessa to move in with him and baby Milo: -1, After Milo is gone, he still lets Vanessa move into his Brooklyn Pussy Den: -1
Social Schemes: Georgina used him so that she didn't get killed: -2, Life would be so much more boring without Georgina Sparks around so keeping her from getting killed is doing us all a favor: +3
Total: 2

Gossip Girl: Hamilton in the House

Rufus:
Family Secrets: Knows the truth about Milo: +1 (which is generous because didn't we all figure that out the baby wasn't Dan's as soon as Georgina showed up pregnant?)
Fashion Points: Says he can tie a bow tie but then does Eric's all crooked: -1
Personality Flaw: Believes Jenny when she says what happened with Chuck wasn't Chuck's fault. Why would anyone ever believe Jenny?: -2, Thinks he's father of the year all of the sudden and is going to protect all the children of the world from Chuck: -1
Power Play: Is forced to meet Chuck's new girlfriend against his wishes: -1
Sexual Intrigue: His sway over Lily is strong enough to keep Chuck out of her house: +1
Social Schemes: Is going to tell everyone Chuck tried to rape his daughter at the Kiss: Live from Detroit party: +2
WTF: At least there weren't any waffle references: +1
Total: 0

Gossip Girl: Hamilton in the House

Nate:
Fashion Points: Finally has control over his manbangs: +2
Power Play: His friends all think he's a stupid stoner: -1, They're right: 0 (just observation)
Sexual Intrigue: Is in love with Juliet, who is totally gaming him: -2, Still wants Juliet even after Serena exposes her scheme: -2, Finally gets mad at Serena for toying with him and cheating with Dan: +2, Juliet totally has a boyfriend in prison: -1, Just wait, we're going to find out that's her brother: +1
WTF: How are he and Juliet both members of this exclusive Hamilton House club but they haven't met until he randomly sees her reading in some restaurant?: -2
Total: -3

Gossip Girl: Hamilton in the House

Serena:
Fashion Points: Apparently she went shopping in Vanessa's Caveman Closet for her hippie dress for the first day of school: -2, Clomps into the Diane von Furstenburg party like a fashion model in a K hole: -1, Not only is her Fashion's Night Out dress ugly, it somehow manages to be full-length and coochie-baring at the same time: -1
Personality Flaw: Thinks college is hard. Of course it is, Serena. You think that the connect the dots puzzle in your color books are hard too: -1
Power Play: Doesn't get a key to Hamilton House: -2, Dan, Nate, Blair, and Chuck all have better things to do than hang out with her: -1, Blair would rather chill at Hamilton House than with her: -1, Gets into Hamilton House after all: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Her sex tape is still haunting her: -1, Hey, Kim Kardashian has a sex tape and look at how well she is doing for herself: +1, Nate still chooses Juliet over her: -2
Social Schemes: Her new nemesis Juliet is seriously fucking with her: -1, Finally figures out Juliet is behind "all of this." You think, Serena?: +1, Exposes Juliet with her fake footage of her fight with Blair: +4, Because Serena is too stupid to pull that off without Blair and Dorota: -1
Total: -4

Gossip Girl: Hamilton in the House

Chuck:
Family Secrets: What is Eva's secret in next week's episode? I hope she's a tranny: 0 (just speculation)
Fashion Points: Dressed like a cheap pimp in a purple blazer: -1, Mastered his old dapper Chuck look again for Fashion's Night Out: +1
Power Play: Can only visit Lily when Eric and Rufus aren't around: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Gets to fuck his new French chippie on the roof of his hotel: +2, Is convinced everyone will love Eva even though she's poor: -1, Pretends to hate Eva to "protect" her: -2, She forgives him: +1, Ditches Blair for Eva (who may or may not be a tranny, but we really hope she is): -1
Social Schemes: Eric tells Rufus that he tried to rape Jenny at the Your Kiss, Your Kiss, Is on My Lips party in season one: -2, Rufus threatens to expose him to everyone: -1
Total: -5

Gossip Girl: Hamilton in the House

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: The only Vanessa outfit worse than the Vanesse outfit Serena wears to the first day of school is the outfit that Vanessa wears or the first day of school: -2, We take that back, the only Vanessa outfit uglier than the Vanessa outfit Serena wears to the first day of school is the Vanessa outfit with the ripped up denim vest over short sundress look she rocks on the second day of school: -1 Has ugly furniture: -1
Personality Flaw: Forgets about Steve Guttenburg: -1, Would rather watch Battleship Potemkin than Finding Nemo: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Volunteers to raise a baby that isn't even hers or her boyfriend's: -2, Dan still wants her to move in even after baby Milo is gone: +1
Total: -7