We Must Bust This Un-American 'Union' of States

The Way We Live Now: protecting our damn selves. It's true that fifty states together make a "union" of sorts, but we've discovered it's more productive to "unionize" only with other successful types. I mean, Mississippi? Who even lives there?

Oh—the poorest people do. According to the new Census data, Mississippi is our nation's poorest state, which should at least earn it some sort of trophy it could pawn, or a free order of fried dough at the dough shack. The lowest rate was New Hampshire, which will be awarded a maple tree from which to suck sustenance, metaphorically and literally. New York is doing better than most, what with all the spare organs we have to sell and raise cash on a black market we won't discuss any further.

The point is, stick to the winners, not the whiners. A rising tide lifts all ships, so don't be worried about the creaky ships that leak (the poors). They "get lifted" too, as Redman will tell you. We, the winners, will focus on the real problems, like the sad state of UC-Berkeley's athletic programs. Must our nation's greatest hippie school be forced to do away with baseball, rugby, and other dumb sports just because of this system we've invented called "money," where things must always be paid for? It boggles the mind.

The whole country of Spain has shut itself down with a strike, where workers protest this or that thing. Do you see what happens when too much unity is practiced? Joe may be doing just fine, but because John has a problem, well, Joe has to go on strike, and everyone loses. It's just not healthy. Capitalism is about competition. If two god damn pencil companies can fight each other for 250 years, you know it works. Enough of this foolishness. Unions never got us nothing but a free lunch.

Which doesn't exist. [Pic via]