Fitness infomercial lies! Fat blasters! Exercise time! America's depression! Infant sleep killers! Low fat cancer! ADHD genes! And stupid cats are bad! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—from a safe, fetal position!
- Can the crappy machines you see on fitness infomercials really give you the awesome body of a model on a fitness infomercial? No. Damn.
- But what you can get is your fat blasted with technological new "fat blaster" machines that allegedly really work, in real life. Awesome.
- Are you that person who's been going around saying you can't exercise because you have "no time?" Somebody is going to kick your ass for that. Make time. Or get your ass kicked.
- Nearly 10% of Americans are depressed. And nearly 10% of Americans have never felt the warm embrace of my loving arms. Coincidence?
- Are you using an "infant sleep positioner" to position your infant, during sleep? First of all, what the fuck, babies been living millions of years without that shit, come on. Second of all that will kill your baby.
- A low fat diet is a better way to cut your breast cancer risk than wearing pink. Wearing pink just makes the bull mad.
- A new study indicates that ADHD is not just a case of your kid being bad; rather, it's a genetic condition. A genetic condition that is gonna get its behind whupped if it doesn't sit down and shut the hell up, you better believe it.
- The word is in: dogs are healthier for your kids than cats are. Fuck cats.