Actually, it wasn't all that bad. The challenge was cribbed from last year because HP is a sponsor and they can only think up one way to integrate their products into the show. All the designers had to use some fancy computer thing to design a textile pattern and then had to use that in their garment. That was just a tear drop in the bucket, because the rest of the episode really had little do do with fashion.
Things We Hated:
- Crying: Reality shows are not supposed to make you cry. They're supposed to make you laugh and scream and be entertained. But because this show is on Lifetime now, they're always tugging at the heart strings. This is either because Kleenex is a major sponsor or because they think ladies love crying. Yes, according to Lifetime, ladies love crying as much as they love movies about serial killing Amish people and teen pregnancy pacts. All the designers mothers showed up, and we cried. Then Tim Gunn was sad that there were only seven designers left and he cried and then we cried. Then Mondo talked about being HIV-positive and how he keeps it a secret, and we cried. Then he acknowledged his HIV status to the judges and contestants, and we (awkwardly) cried. And then Valerie went around the room and told all the designers why she loved them and we cried again. God, we shed more tears than everyone at a cancer support group. This isn't what Runway is about!
- 90 Minutes Too Long: Yes, every episode this season has been longer, but this is the first time we really felt like it was overly bloated. There just aren't enough people and there's not enough going on to fill up the whole time. It just seemed like there was a little too much of everything last night. Can we pare it down to an hour for the rest of the season, please?
- Heidi's Belt: In the '90s there was a WWF character called the Million Dollar Man and he was so rich that he bought himself a championship belt made out of gold and diamonds and other assorted green stuff. It was gaudy and horrible and everyone hated it. We don't know what happened to the Million Dollar Man, but apparently Heidi found his belt at some vintage shop and dusted it off and wore it on the runway last night. I wish I was the Ultimate Warrior so I could drop kick it right off her body.
- Styling: Why are the judges so obsessed with styling this year? It must be the makeup, hair, and accessory sponsors, right? Sure, it does make an impact on the outfit, but should we really consider it in the judging? After all, they're not hair and makeup artists. They're designers. Why not base your decision on how well they design?
Things We Loved:
- Mondo: Oh, Mondo, you strong little imp. We loved you before this, but we love you even more after last night when you had the strength to stand before the world and tell them that you were HIV-positive. And you did it without crying, which is next to amazing. We're sure you already told your mother, but if you ever need someone to hold your hand or a shoulder to cry on, we're here for you, buddy. Oh, and it was a killer outfit too.
- Christopher's Daddy: Hot twink Christopher didn't get a visit from his mom, he got a visit from his partner JJ, who is like this big, built muscle daddy. We believe we saw him last weekend in San Francisco tending his bar and boy is he sexy! Way to be unexpected. But now that we know you're into daddies, you better keep your grubby gay mitts off our Makeup Daddy!
- Milk and Cookies: Michael took his mother and his son to Milk and Cookies in the West Village for, we assume, some milk and cookies. Good choice, because their Snickerdoodles are the fucking bomb. Yeah the High Line (where Mondo and Andy went with their moms in tow) is nice, but there aren't any baked goods!
- Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine Is Addicted to Fashion: The key rule of Runway has always been not to bore NGFDMCM. Well, she was bored last night, and she lashed out. She wants fashion! She wants drama! She wants skinny models falling out of armadillo heels and wearing nothing but see-through and sequins! We agree with NGFDMCM. And just when she was done being bitchy, she was so sweet to Mondo when he revealed his secret. Don't go getting soft on us, lady.
- Rachel Roy: Beautiful, talented, eloquent, insightful, even-tempered, amazing. Damn, why isn't this guest judge in "Things We Hated?" She's too perfect!
- "Fashion Isn't for Sissies": Here, here HRH Ms. Kors, Queen of all Tangerines.
In the end, Mondo won for his positively pleasurable printed pants with a purple pattern. There was also a cute top and a lined jacket. Damn, how is Mondo not already a famous designer? And he broke all our hearts with his story. Gretchen, sadly, also had a cute outfit, but her instinct was right—it needed a blazer or a cardigan or something. We weren't a huge fan of April's outfit that looked like a cast-off ballet tutu from The Black Swan but the judges were into it.
We agreed with the judges that Christopher's visual snooze was lousy. You know those little things with eight water colors you used in art class as a kid and there was a blue compartment, but by the time you got to it, the blue was mostly used up and there was water spilt everywhere and the dye was leaking into all the other colors and on the plastic case? That's what Christopher's outfit looked like. Michael C.'s dress looked like the new seat design for the Geo Metro, and Andy's (SLAM!). Sorry, just thinking about Andy's outfit gave me a narcoleptic fit. I just woke up with a bloody nose and a pink print of my keyboard on my face. But it was Valerie who went home (spoiler alert!) for a crumpled paper ball that grew legs and walked down the cat walk. Then it slapped us in the face repeatedly, until it made us cry.