Evil Nerds and Warrior Owls Have Defeated the Vampires

This weekend was the most internetty weekend at the movies ever! Everyone got out from behind the glowing friend-box and headed into the scary, cold real world to watch a movie about, well, the glowing friend-box.

1) The Social Network — $23M
With its rave reviews and strong opening, I don't know whether this film is a better vindication for: billionaires or white asshole men who went to Harvard. I guess it's both! Which is good, because both demographics have really been in need of some validation for a long while now. Poor people and women and minorities have been ruling the world lately, and billionaires and white asshole men who went to Harvard (who may be billionaires themselves!) have just been standing on the sidelines, weeping softly in their boat shoes and pink shorts, wondering why God has forsaken them so. Well fear not anymore, fellas. Here's your day in the spotlight. Your movie about evil nerds and the way they rule the world has captured America's hearts and minds and, most importantly, wallets. So go on with your bad selves, let your freak flags fly. No longer will you be the disenfranchised top 1% minority. Sure 99% of the world is different from you, but that's no reason for us to make you feel unrecognized. That just wouldn't be fair.

2) Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole — $10.8M
I just got back from South America THIS MORNING (I am a red eye zombie right now) and down there they are showing this movie! But it is just called Gahoole there. Isn't that a much better title? I don't want to read a novel when I'm looking at a movie poster, I just want to know what the movie is about! Gahoole tells me that I'm traveling to a world of wonder and owly whimsy and funny noises. Legend of the blah blah blah tells me it's book report season and I didn't do any of my summer reading. The Argentinians just know how to live better, I guess. As do the Chileans! Their favorite dish is steak on top of french fries plus a fried egg. That is the Gahoole of food right there! Gahooooooole! Gahoooooooooooooole!! (I am so tired I don't even know what's what. I have also contracted gout and various other meat diseases. I apologize.) Gahooooooole!

3) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps — $10.1M
Well, sometimes money sleeps. Or it at least sleeps with someone else. After a fairly decent opening last weekend, this musical comedy couldn't hold its own against evil billionaire dorks (as opposed to evil billionaire frat boys) and those fucking owls. In the end, owl always beats gecko, I guess. Like in that classic off-brand "Aesopps" fable about the owl and the gecko asking hardworking people for money and at first everyone's like "Oh, yeah, here mister slick-talking gecko, here's our money." But then after a little bit everyone is like "Wait a minute, we don't like geckos, they're gross and lizardy. Owls are way cooler." So they end up giving more money to the owl in the end and the moral of the story is that Oliver Stone should have called his movie Wall Street 2: Gordon Gekko's Great Gassy Gahoole. Who wouldn't see that movie? (The Argentinians! The title's too long.)

7) Case 39 — $5.35M
Poor Renée Zellweger. She probably thought she was doing a remake of The 39 Steps or something. But no, it's just yet another movie in the Orphan vein about a potentially evil little girl who does creepster things. And it was filmed in 2006! Oops. The worst thing though? There is no secret dwarf ending. None at all, I'm told! Nowadays, in these post-Orphan times, we will forever expect a secret dwarf ending from any movie featuring a kid. It's just the best way to end a kid movie that's currently known to man. I mean, can you think of a better ending for a kid-centered movie? Little Miss Sunshine totally should have been a secret dwarf, with a secret dwarf beauty pageant. At the end of Toy Story 3? Ha, just kidding, Andy's not going to college. He's secretly a 39-year-old dwarf. "Kevin!!!" "Don't worry honey, he'll be fine, after all he's not really a little boy, he's a secret adult dwarf. And adult dwarfs are allowed to be home alone sometimes." It's just the best possible outcome. And yet this Case 39, ripe for a secret dwarfing, does nothing of the sort. I suppose one could blame that on the movie being written and filmed before Orphan came along and changed our world forever, but they had time to film a new ending! Just a simple title card would have sufficed: "Case 39 became a secret dwarf on the way back to her home planet." And everyone will go "Case 39 was an alien?" "Guess so." "AND a secret dwarf??" "Yep." "Wow. Best movie ever made." I'm telling you, it'd be boffo. Hollywood really should listen to my advice more often.

8) Let Me In — $5.3M
Speaking of people who look like children but are secretly old! This surprisingly well-reviewed adaptation of the Swedish book and movie Let the Right One In failed to connect with audiences. I guess you could say that no one was willing to, y'know, let it in. Huzzah. It was probably just way too dark and weird and artsy lookin' for the bulk of Americans, who don't want stories about lower middle class kids and the vampires they love roaming around New Mexico. They want Harvard billionaires and fierce fighting Gahoole owls. (Ga'hOwls?) When they finally make my movie about mean warrior owls who go to Harvard and like the internet, well every other movie just better get the heck out of the way.

Anyway. That's that.