Fat People Just Don't Belong On Television

That seems to be the case, anyway, according to a new television show cancellation. Also today: The fourth Bourne movie finds a director, so too does The Hobbit (maybe), and lots and lots of Entourage jokes.

Turn off that "All Things Considered" or whatever Volvlatteliberal junk you're listening to. Here's a real radio program for you. Jerry Ferrara, who plays Mr. Turtle on HBO's terrific docu-series Entourage, will be hosting a Sirius spaceradio program about fantasy football. Oh jibber-jellies, doesn't that sound faaabulous? The actual Mr. Turtle from The Boybesitters Club: The Series talking on your radio box about fantasy football and the like? I haven't been this excited about a bit of Entourage news since Kevin Connolly did a guest arc on Little People, Big World. Or since that one time that Jeremy Piven yelled something sarcastic. That was a great time, the one time he did that. Oh, Entourage. [Variety]

Tony Gilroy, who wrote the Bourne movies and wrote/directed Michael Clayton and Duplicity, will write/direct the fourth Bourne movie. In this one, I hope, Jason Bourne and Joan Allen live in a small cottage by the sea and read Byron to each other and sometimes they take sexy/playful walks on the cold, rocky beach and they're both ever so happy. Until someone like, oh I dunno, Danny Huston shows up as an evil Treadstone guy and ruins it all. Oh and Julia Stiles is their cockney chambermaid who says things like "What you been spyin' for, Mistah B? Youse got ye'self a lurvely lass and a beeyooteeful 'ome 'ere, 'aven't ye?" That seems like the kind of thing that Tony Gilroy likes to write, doesn't it? [Deadline]

John McTiernan, who directed Die Hard, sure big deal whatever, but ALSO directed The 13th Warrior, in which Antonio Banderas played a Spaniard who teamed up with Vikings to fight evil shadow people in Norway, great movie, has been sentenced to a year in prison for directing The 13th Warrior, his role in a wire-tapping scandal. Basically he lied about something during an investigation of bad-boy private eye Anthony Pellicano. But, yeah, he probably should be in jail, seeing as he also directed Rollerball, the best Chris Klein/LL Cool J movie since my upcoming Chris Klein/LL Cool J movie, Here On Earth 2: Zombie Leelee's Helen Huntish Revenge. [THR]

Sad. Andy Whitfield had to drop out of the second season of Starz's Spartacus because of a cancer diagnosis, so now they're recasting. The casting call says the show is looking for "smart, intense, passionate" men who "have an authentic British accent and [are] prepared to sign a three-year contract." Which, wow, reads like the "Looking For" section on my Match.com profile! Sigh. OK, no more Cathy comics jokes anymore. She's dead after all. It's rude to mock the dead. Poor Cathy. Poor, poor Irving. (Call me, Irving!) [EW]

ABC Family has just canceled their show about fat camp, Huge. By my count that now leaves two scripted shows that are specifically about overweight people, the soon-to-be-dead-I'm-sure Mike & Molly and Lifetime's everyone-tells-me-it's-good Drop Dead Diva. And then all the other shows are about skinny people. Literally every single other one. Well, maybe not Treme, not entirely. But everything else, basically. Anyway, too bad about Huge. Mostly because Gina Torres is good and should always have work. Maybe she could audition for Spartacus? C'mon Starz, think inside the box! [Deadline]

There's a giddy report coming out today that Peter Jackson is thisclose to inking a deal to direct The Hobbit. Finally. This is like the third or fourth time this has almost happened? Maybe it will actually stick this time. Also, I'm pretty excited about his casting choice for lead hobbit: Kevin Connolly. Haha. Remember? From the other thing about Entourage? He's short? Oh, Entourage. [The Wrap]