The Gay Housewives have finally landed on all-gay channel Logo and it wasn't with a splash or a crash, but more like the sound of a million heads exploding from agony. Man, this show was even worse than we imagined.
The A-List (which is its real title, even though we prefer to call it the Gay Housewives Show) was so bad in fact that we still can't process what happened. There were six queens behaving badly and trying to take each other down a peg: There's professional arm candy and The Amazing Race winner Reichen Lehmkuhl, his boyfriend Rodiney Santiago, celebrity photographer Mike Ruiz, former model and star dater Austin Armacost, hair salon owner Ryan Nikulas, and model agent Derek Lloyd Saathoff.
Alliances were formed and rivalries established. But that's just what we saw on screen. For the real behind-the-scenes scoop, we eavesdropped on two even more vapid gays at Manhattan gay bar Therapy last night. Their names are Dustin and Jayden, and their conversation went something like this.
"Girl, did you hear that Austin is back in town?"
"Which Austin? Fire Island Austin or Austin that gave us the coke that time at Club 57?"
"No, Austin that dated Marc Jacobs."
"Oh, that queen? She's back?"
"Yes, and she got fat!"
"Like real fat. Like you-can't-even-see-her-abs anymore fat."
"Really? Damn. Wasn't she a model or something?"
"She said she was, but no one really knows what she did. She fucked a bunch of famous people. Is that a job? Can you get paid for that?"
"She wouldn't be the first, but they aren't going to pay if you fat! How is she gonna get un-fat?"
"Oh, Joe saw her in Central Park the other day..."
"Which Joe? Joe who dated Steve or that guy Joe with the big pecs?"
"Joe with the pecs. Anyway, Joe saw that queen Austin in Central Park with her trainer and she was wearing these crazy space boots and jumping around and running and shit. I wanted to be like 'Girl, that's not a workout, that's like an afternoon in a jump jump.'"
"Is she still fat?"
"Yup, she still fat."
"Damn, no one liked her before, and now she fat! Where did she go, anyway?"
"She said she was living in England because she has a house there."
"Yeah, a house of imagination. She don't own no house in England."
"Right! That's what I said."
"Didn't she used to fuck that Reichen character?"
"Yes, she did, and I don't know how that worked because they're both such star fuckers. Apparently, Austin is trying to get him back or something, but Reichen has some new boyfriend."
"Oh, her name is Rodiney. She's Brazilian."
"Really?! I love a Brazilian, and I don't mean the wax."
"Yes, and she's hot. Which is good because you can't understand a word she says. She's like a living version of one of those 'I Can Haz Cheezeburger' cats."
"That's actually funny."
"Yeah, but she's been hanging out with Reichen and he takes her sailing on yachts and to the Hamptons for the weekend."
"How's she affording that?"
"I don't think she is. Whenever they're someplace fancy, they're all alone, like the real owner of the boat is on vacation or staying somewhere else and Reichen is all like, 'Oh yeah, this is just my friends place. He said we could stay here. Yeah, that's what he said.'"
"Ha, I wouldn't put it past Reichen to just crash a good party. Have you seen her play?"
"No, but I hear it's horrible. Like worse than the Lady Gaga 'Alejandro' video."
"Oh, god, I hate that video and Gaga's stupid machine gun tits. If she wants to rip off Madonna, just rip off Madonna, don't try to be all...."
"Dustin, take an Adderall and get back to the play."
"Oh, so it's some Big Gay Italian Wedding play. And Reichen was supposed to sing and dance and act in it and he can't do any of those. His acting is meh, but when he dances he looks like one of those wooden sculpture dolls they use in art class. And singing? Damn, he sounds like Harvey Fierstein went tone deaf and is singing through a fan."
"Ha! But wait, girl, you said she was?"
"Yeah, she's not in it anymore."
"I don't know, but I saw that the Real Housewives of New Jersey were in it and Reichen was no longer in the cast. You know you gotta be bad when Teresa from Real Housewives is a better actress than you are."
"Tell it sister! Did anyone go see the show?"
"Well, apparently Rodiney took Mike Ruiz..."
"Yeah, the photographer."
"She's real hot. A total CEO!"
"You know, she's hot and old and looks rich."
"Mike is friends with Rodiney apparently and even took him to a party that was full of all these famous-ish people and Rodiney didn't talk to anyone."
"That's probably for the best."
"Truth! So, Rodiney took Mike and all these other queens, including Austin..."
"How did that go over?"
"I hear that Austin literally sniffed him."
"Damn, I've known her to snort, but to actually sniff at her ex man's man. That's just classless."
"Right! Anyway, Mike was there and Austin and some kid who was this weird shade of orange who no one really knows or likes and that guy Ryan."
"Which Ryan, Ryan who you picked up at the Kylie concert or Ryan who threw a drink on you at the Scissor Sisters show?"
"No, neither. This was the Ryan who owns that hair salon."
"Oh, the one who looks like she's from Orlando?"
"Ha! Orlando! Right? She does, with those highlights and the duck lips and her bitchy little sidekick."
"Damn, if Austin is fat, what does that make Ryan?"
"Oh, be nice, he's not that bad."
"I guess you're right. I wouldn't take him shopping though. So, did Austin fuck Ryan too?"
"No, lady. She's married to this rich black guy who works in finance."
"Damn, she's lucky."
"Right! Anyway, Austin is only trying to fuck Reichen."
"Girl, I can't wait to see how that works out."
"Actually, I don't really care all that much, but both those girls sure are fun to talk about."