Money: Big in Japan

The Way We Live Now: big—in Japan. Yea, our cities are doing great—in Japan. We hit all our bingo numbers—in Japan. That real estate recovery's a-comin'—in Japan. Now if only someone would lend us some money...

Japan will, cheap! Japan is literally giving away money. You think I am playing with you because I write "jokes" from time to time? Read this story, then go to Japan, where the bank will hand you a fat stack of money and be like "Oh just pay us back whenever, no interest necessary."

Ah, to be in Japan. All that free money and lots of soy porn, besides. Unfortunately average folks like you and me are stuck here on the sinking ship called America, where the poor folks turn to the city for help and the cities run out of money and turn to the states, only to find out the states have no money. And where are they supposed to turn after that? The feds? This isn't Japan, friend. The private sector? Sorry, Henry Kravis reserves his $100 million donations for important things, like Ivy League business schools with buildings named after him.

You've got to do for yourself out here. Unless you find a lucky mogul to support you, who hasn't already poured all his charity into IVY LEAGUE SCHOOLS WHO DON'T EVEN NEED IT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. God I hate that. Anyhow. Check out this fuckin headline, "Sun Co-Founder Uses Capitalism to Help Poor." I mean, you can't buy that PR! Even it's true, fuck! He's winning! There's your man!

Of course, he's already been swarmed by poor people like so many gnats on a rotting mango, in the hot midday sun of the starving rain forest, somewhere poor. So as our lesser states fall apart in bingo scandals and speculators pour into the stock market a few weeks too late, the banks go conservative, the credit card industry goes devious, and you go...where?

To Japan, right. Like we said in the first part. The rest of this column was just filler, albeit educational filler.