Beating Cancer Is As Easy as Dying From Something Else First

Prescription drug roundup! Binge drinking cancer kids! Cell phone food yakkers! Air pollution breasts! Recipe for divorce! Ironman goes soft! Football brain damage! Home dialysis! Cancer food! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—hazily!

  • Sure, the government successfully rounded up 121 tons of "unwanted" prescription drugs in their little drug-free campaign. But unwanted by whom?
  • More than 25% of "American teens and young adults" are binge drinkers, according to the CDC. Why do you even care, CDC? You never loved us!
  • Also binge drinking gives you cancer now, they say? Yea right.
  • A new poll shows that New Yorkers are really mad about people talking on cell phones at restaurants. That's a real health risk when New Yorkers start shooting each other over it, which is only a matter of time.
  • Air pollution may give you breast cancer. When will the media finally write a few stories about the positive things happening with air pollution?
  • Want to not get divorced from the person you're married to? Then you should deal with your problems by "calmly working them out together," according to scientists from Genius University for Geniuses. If, however, you're ready for someone new, just work out problems all by yourself, and surprise your partner with your ingenuity.
  • Once upon a time the Ironman Triathlon was the most badass triathlon anywhere and if you did it you were an Ironman and definitely a badass, no doubt about it. Well now the owner of Ironman is launching a bunch of shorter triathlons so soon you're gonna have an army of Oprah-watchers out there claiming they "finished an Ironman" and wearing their self-esteem badges and shit. Shit. If there's nothing left that's too hard for you to do, you might as well die.
  • A new study says high school football players take 1,800 hits per season, and each one brings them a little closer to brain damage. So to all you kids out there getting bullied by high school football players: just bide your time. Bide your sweet time.
  • Is kidney dialysis getting in the way of your busy lifestyle? Do your dialysis at home! It frees up lots of time to sit around with your bum kidney (but at home).
  • Got cancer? Here's a feel-good article about what food to cook while you count down to oblivion.
[Pic of typical Ironman fun via]