Paris Hilton Is a 'Step-Mom,' and Other Acts of Child EndangermentS

A seven-year-old girl considers Paris Hilton is her "step-mom." Kevin Jonas' wife might be pregnant. Lindsay Lohan breaks her crippling internet addiction. Nobody wants to see Tila Tequila's sex tape, but it's about to happen, anyway. TGIFriday gossip.

  • Paris Hilton is a "step-mom" to boyfriend Cy Waits's 7-year-old daughter. God help us, it's replicating. Cy is the one Paris was hotboxing with when she was arrested for cocaine possession. He had a hit-and-run with a photographer the other day. If that little Shea Waits' mother is anyone other than Mother Teresa, she's screwed. [Radar, image via @ParisHilton]

  • At the Betty Ford Center, Lindsay Lohan is detoxing from alcohol and drugs—and her deadly addiction to the internet. "Before, she would repeatedly and compulsively e-mail her friends if she was ever in a situation where she felt lonely, and she would vent on Twitter." Now she is limited to a mere two hours on the phone (who talks on the phone anymore?) and has no computer access whatsoever, which means she definitely isn't reading the crap everyone writes about her on the internet, so have at it, haters. [P6]

  • Kevin Jonas and his newlywed wife Danielle Deleasa were spotted buying a home pregnancy test at a Ride Aid in West Hollywood, thereby proving that a lifetime of abstinence did not destroy his sexual capabilities. The couple are 22 and 23 years old, respectively. [InTouch]

  • A nine-year-old girl wrote a letter to Johnny Depp's Pirates of the Caribbean character asking him to assist a mutiny attempt against her teacher. So Johnny came to her classroom in full Captain Jack Sparrow drag and swashbuckled around, giving all the kids hugs. "He said, 'Maybe we shouldn't mutiny today because there are police outside monitoring me.'" Under any other circumstances, a stringy-haired man with face tattoos promising to bust your kid out of school would probably be a crime. [People]

  • The voice of Dora the Explorer is suing Nickolodeon for cheating her out of millions by forcing her to sign a "convoluted" contract that required her to promote the show for a "meager travel stipend of $40 a day." [People]

  • Tila Tequila filed a court injunction to prevent the release of a sex tape (her ex is allegedly extorting her for the embarrassingly low figure of $75,000) causing the judge to scoff, "Tila exploits her sexuality." Her request was rejected. Tila has so far been the skanky Catholic schoolgirl of porn: Everything but the most obvious act. Radar has video and stills from the amateur porno. [Radar]

  • A hit-and-run accident in Los Angeles hospitalized actress/musician/red carpet crazy person Juliette Lewis yesterday. She is "a bit banged-up and sore but otherwise thankfully okay." She is now back at home. [NYDN]

  • Eliot Spitzer's madam says he was as "numbing and tedious" in bed as he is on TV. To be fair, her sources are the prostitutes who worked for her, and impressing them probably wasn't his priority. [P6]

  • Jersey Shore's Angelina Pivarnick says her castmates bullied her by putting "olive oil and grated cheese all over my bed." How very Italian. [Us]

  • Ashley Olsen's boyfriend is "looking at engagement rings." She's been dating Hangover actor Justin Bartha for two years. [Us]

  • Speaking of marriage: Most hated couple in America Jesse James and Kat Von D may also thinking about getting married. This will make our efficiency at avoiding them (or finding them so we can hate on them!) that much easier. [Celebitchy]

  • Ryan Philippe is dating Angel McCord, whose sole claim to fame is that her sister is on 90210. "Angel's rep denied a serious relationship," which is code for "fuck buddies." [P6]

  • One of the Teen Mom stars is dating a convicted child molester. Of course. [Us]

  • The kid from Two and a Half Men signed a new contract. He'll get paid $300,000 an episode, now. Add his signing bonus, and he's apt to make $14.4 million over the next two seasons. Today is his seventeenth birthday. Mazel tov! [TMZ]