Jersey Shore: Reevaluating The Situation

Now that the creature known as Trash Bags has left Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time, our tribe needs a new person to vilify. They choose The Situation, whose behavior reached an all-time low.

Yes, the man with the golden abs was stealing girls, slapping his friends, and behaving like a general jackass before the tribe staged a coup and supplanted him as patriarch.

But before they could find a new ruler, they had to find a new household god. Ever since the Great Guido Migration of 2010, when our eight subjects left their (not so) native New Jersey for Miami, they have forsaken their vengeful household god, the Duck Phone. This has caused many problems with their communications both inside the house and with the outside world. Though the guidos—who are as religious as your average deprogrammed Moonie—don't know that they are the victim of a spiteful spirit, they are still looking for a replacement for him. Last night Snooki and JWOWW thought they had found him, and his name is Charlie.

Charlie is a lobster that the two saved from being boiled. Like a duck, a lobster spends a great deal of its time in water and it is known for it's deathly banshee scream when being put in a pot, which is not unlike a duck's quack. OK, it's really not like it at all, but the guidos haven't figured this out. Rather than killing one of the lobsters for dinner, Snooki and JWOWW decide that they are going to keep him, name him, feed him worms and insects, and bow down to him every morning, hoping that it grants them special powers and a place in guido heaven. They take it, and they place it (very gingerly and without touching it for their touch would sully their new deity) in a small bowl of water.

After a lifetime of worshiping aquatic birds, the guidos really know nothing about how to care for shell fish and Sister Snooki Margaret and Sister Mary JWOWW put Charlie in a bowl of fresh water, which kills the salt-water-based creature. DJ Paulie Disciple takes Charlie off to the kitchen to boil it for dinner, where Snooki Magdalene and Holy JWOWW Mother of God (pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death, amen) eat Charlie for dinner. This is a transubstantiation that even the Catholics can't perform. They actually eat the flesh of their new god. And three days later, it will rise from the dead and go up to the great beyond and fight for the guido's devotion with the wondering spirit of the vengeful Duck Phone. It will lose.

Now that we know all about the guido's religious beliefs, let us look at their vocabulary. Here are some strange new words that we discovered last night.

  • Brew: The female version of "bro." If addressing a woman and wanting to add the familiar apostrophe to the end of a sentence, it should be in this feminized version of the word. "You're going to kill the lobster, brew." It derives from the fact that women are often seen as witches and witches are associated with brew, which sounds like bro. Basically the male guido is saying, "You're going to kill the lobster, witch."
  • Miami Vices: The act of drinking during the day, especially when lying by the pool. While the guido does this all year round, during the winter, when they spend the warmer months closer to the equator, they call this ritual "Miami Vices." It is much like vespers or morning mass, but with alcohol.
  • "Oh Yeah": This phrase, repeatedly blurted out by DJ Paulie Disease, is a symptom of his Buskineer's Disease. This rapidly escalating illness, caused by an airborne mold that grows in smash rooms and causes a form of uncontrollable blurting and singing (similar to that of a busker on the street), seems to have really taken hold in DJ Paulie Disease. The only linguistic formations he can make involve, "Oh Yeah, (fill in the blank), yeah," or singing the "T-shirt time" song. It is not long before he loses his conscious mind altogether and can only communicate in a series of tics and blurts.

Now, it is time for us to look at the series of events that lead to the Great Situational Uprising at Tantra (Or Klutch or Karma or Velveetaz or Chita Rivera's House of Bluz or whatever fucking club they were at). It all started when the creature known as Trash Bags decided to leave this very important experiment for a second time. The guidos wouldn't be entirely free of her presence until a very important ritual was performed.

As we have learned, a guidette's bed is her most sacred space. It is where she retires in moments of self reflection to get spiritually close to their god. It is also where she sleeps and lounges when the men are away and she has nothing else to do. Because of this, her aura is stored within the sheets, frame, headboard, and all the other parts of this holy piece of furniture. To fully exercise a guidette's essence from a house, not only must she be gone, but so must her bed, because sitting or sleeping on it will just bring all the evil memories back again. Sitch and DJ Paulie Destroyer decide they will perform the cleansing and get rid of Trash Bag's bed.

The guidos continue to exhibit a difficulty with simple machinery, in this case, a bed. They can't figure out how to excise the bed from the room. They try different angles and tactics, but nothing seems to work. What is a guido to resort to when the simple solution eludes him? Destruction, of course. These two muscle-bound gentlemen just crumple the (cheap Ikea) frame like a fat frat boy crunches an empty aluminum beer can against his cranium. Then they pick up the nuts and bolts, slats and springs, rivets and revelations that were the spiritual embodiment of their former roommate. It wasn't the simple solution, but it was the only one they could fathom.

Now that Trash Bags is gone, it leaves a crater in the relationship of the guidettes in the house. Like a Iranian grammar school, the gender divide between men and women is pretty rigid in guido society. Because Snooki and JWOWW borrowed a plotline from an episode of Charles in Charge (which is a sacred text for the guido) and wrote an anonymous letter telling Sammi that her man was cheating on her, a rift was formed among the women. Sammi and JWOWW even came to blows over The Note (god, why are we still talking about The Note?). Now that Trash Bags is gone Sammi has no one to talk to. Ever the peace maker, Snooki tries to sit everyone down for a chat. It doesn't go well.

As you can see, this is a very uncomfortable confrontation between all three women. Snooki wants the other girls to get along, but they are determined to stay enemies. How do they deal with the tension? By grooming themselves, of course. They sit there and play with their hair, pluck their eyebrows, and plump their eyelashes. While not outright aggression, this is the height of female passive aggression. Each guidette is primarily judged on her attractiveness to the male. By engaging in activities that will make them more attractive to prospective mates in front of the other women, it is a challenge. It says, "I will make myself prettier than you, and therefore be more powerful." If they were birds they would be raising up their tail feathers and fanning them in the others faces to show their beauty and dominance. When one woman starts doing this, so do all the other women until it becomes a competition. There is never a winner, because a guidette can never be beautiful enough. This will just go on and on until the women finally disband.

But when guidettes get along, it is a totally different story. Just like the male guidos hunt for mates in packs of two or three, the guidettes like to party in small cliques as well. When they bond with each other at the club, they develop a sort of telepathic connection and a way to communicate completely unique to the pair. After all, the music is loud and they need to have a way to convey their meaning to their hard-partying friend. Let's take a look at that language as evidenced by Snooki and her best friend Ryder.

No one else can understand their sophisticated argot and therefore are left out of their conversation. They can say anything they'd like to each other and we would be none the wiser. This is a very canny skill when hunting for men at a nightclub.

Along with sharing a language (and possibly a brain), Snooki and Ryder also share a propensity for loving disgusting cocktails. They drink a strange giant margarita with two bottles of beer turned upside down in it. How this is supposed to be consumed, we will never know. When they return home from their Miami Vices, the only mixer in the house is ketchup. Instead, Snooki and Ryder decide to make a cocktail out of ice cream, vodka, ice, and Nutella, the hazelnut spread that is a guido delicacy. Fully inebriated on that, Snooki decides to concoct her mixological masterpiece, heretofore known as the "Puke Breath." The recipe is a secret, but we believe it is made with ketchup, ice, rum, margarita mix, pickle juice, leftover lobster bits, and phlegm. It is digusting, but the guidettes love it.

Vinny is also in love. He set up another date with Ramona who, according to the law regarding women named Ramona on reality television programs, is crazy. Ramona is the girl who stood Vinny up just a few short weeks ago, but he is back for more punishment. When she is considerably late for their date, he thinks she has stood him up again and makes another date with two different girls. When she calls to say she has arrived, he must choose between two hot girls and one hot girl who has already stood him up once and disrespected him by showing up whenever she damn well pleases. Vinny chooses Ramona. He is a chump.

Ramona is from Romania. Ramona the Romanian—try to type that five times fast. Romana the Romania, Romono the Ramanion, Ramona the QWOIhadpoaghs. Ugh. I give up.

Why is Ramona the Romanian so interested in Vinny after standing him up? We have a feeling it is because she heard from her handlers at the Serviciul Român de Informaţii—the Romanian secret service agency—and they are interested in capturing Vinny and forcing him to stud a whole generation of hearty Romanian children. We saw this happen previously when Danielle the Agent of Mossad tried to abscond with DJ Paulie Diplomatic Nightmare and bring him back to Israel to inject his robust DNA into their gene pool. More recently, Samantha, Canada's Next Top Model, tried to lure The Situation back up to the great white north for breeding purposes. While Ramona wasn't interested in Vinny for recreational intercourse, she must do her duty to her motherland and tempt him into a trap. The governments of the world will not rest until they have kidnapped all of our guidos and tried to insert their very unique Darwinian traits (thick hair, dark skin, vagina bones) into the bloodlines of their own people. Don't fall into Ramana the Ramonion's trap!

The Situation doesn't quite fall into her trap, but he has some sort of obsession with picking up the girls that Vinny has his sights set on. The Situation is the alpha male of the group and the pater familias of this ragtag brood. To keep his position, he must constantly prove that he is more virile and powerful than the other men in the house. That's where Vinny comes in. If he can undermine Vinny's authority with the women, then he is still top dog. When he tries to pull a "robbery" with Rbmjnx the Rhmenizn, she thwarts his effort and goes back to Vinny.

Taken down a peg, Sitch retaliates by trying to take another of Vinny's women: Snooki. But she rejects him as well.

As DJ Paulie (Ten)Der says, The Situation is far too aggressive with women. While his direct tactics may work a majority of the time, it turns off just as many people as it turns on. Nay, it turns off way more people than it turns on. Snooki does not appreciate his aggressiveness or his physical attack and fights back.

Because he's not getting his way, The Situation has to assert his power in another arena. As the leader, he determines when everyone should go to and leave the club as a unit. For protection, guidos only travel in large packs. This also makes it easier to get cabs. Because Vinny has usurped his women, The Situation then has to show everyone he is boss and make them leave. Basically he is like a baboon, his red ass hanging out and he flails it up and down like a stripper named Exotique trying to get the last dollar out of oil rig worker on shore leave. He leaps and cackles, running around to the other baboons, trying to make them follow. And normally they would, but not tonight.

No, everyone is sick of The Situation behaving like a jerk and thinking he has control. Snooki and Ryder want to stay at the club and make their own baboon noises. JWOWW wants to stay with Snooki to see what sort of insane brew she'll drink next. Sammi and Ronnie are just "done" with him, even though they don't know what that means. DJ Paulie Debilitated is in the throws of his Buskineers Disease and can only say "Oh Yeah Dancefloor Yeah" at the top of his lungs. Vinny, well, Vinny is pissed that The Situation tried to take his woman and he is ready to give all of himself to Ramona (which entails taking her out to a cab where he will be ambushed by three operatives wearing sunglasses and earpieces as they beat the shit out of him and figure out the best way to stuff him into a trunk and transport him back to Ramonia—damn, Romania).

The Situation's time as the leader is come to an end, and without his furry primate subjects to follow him he is just a sad baboon, crying in the middle of the dance floor while his bright red ass sinks to floor. He rubs his eyes, trying to imagine how he lost control and how he will get it back. You haven't seen the last of this monkey, this new villain, this second coming of the creature known as The Situation.