Project Runway: Cheaters Never WinS

There was once a cheating scandal on Project Runway that was very dramatic. There was also once a bitch on Project Runway who made up a cheating scandal because she was very dramatic. God, do we hate her.

But before we can get to our hatred, we must address the challenge (which we also hated). The designers had to come up with three looks for Heidi Klum's Mommies Who Want To Look Pretty Taking Their Kids to Karate Class collection for New Balance. It was like workout clothes for people who never work out. To help them, they had the assistance of the eliminated designers. That is one of the:

Things We Hated:

  • Returned from the Dead: One of my many reality show pet peeves is when eliminated contestants come back again. This is such a craven ploy to create drama and to exploit the "characters" who weren't talented enough to stick around. We've already forgotten them. Why did you have to bring them back so that we can go, "Who is that skinny queen with the tie that only goes half way down his shirt? Was he ever on this show?" The only thing that's worse is when this play for conflict actually works.
  • Ivy: Ivy is officially The Worst contestant ever on Project Runway. She comes back and accuses Michael C of cheating by taping his model's boobs or some shit. And she doesn't make an official complaint, she wants to talk to him and then just brings it up in casual conversation like she's going to take him out of the competition or something. God, she is such a sore loser. Her motivation for the whole incident is so nauseatingly transparent. Ivy is one of those people who thinks that she is more talented than she really is and can't accept the fact that there are people out there who are better than her. So, when those people succeed and she fails, she has to accuse them of cheating. And then she lords around talking to all the other designers that she "took one for the team" and accused Michael C of cheating like she just fucking cured god damned cancer or something. No, Ivy, you didn't do anything but make an ass out of yourself on national television. Congratulations, you're The Worst. As an extra added bonus, she talks about how she believes in karma and then gets a pin in the eye. Too bad she's too stupid to see the irony there.
  • The Models: Why did they force the designers to choose new models? Did that serve any purpose at all other than to fill up 3 of the extra 30 minutes that are tacked on to each bloated episode? Why are we talking about the models at all?
  • Heidi and Mondo: That whole interaction was just totally uncomfortable. Heidi comes into the work room to criticize everyone and she's a little harsh on Mondo. Naturally, he takes it hard, as anyone would when having their vision challenged. Then Heidi has to make it worse by trying to put the clothes on. Then Mondo makes it worse by being even more of a jerk. Then Heidi makes it worse by calling him a jerk. Then Mondo makes it worse by denying he's a jerk. God, anyone who has ever worked with an annoying boss or any manager who has had an obnoxious underling can sympathize with either side. The whole thing just sucked. It was worse than watching a Nell Carter sex tape.
  • Heidi's Judging Outfit: I made a note of it, but I don't remember what it was. It must have been so bad that I blocked it out of my memory like childhood abuse by a priest or something.

Things We Loved:

  • Everyone Hates Heidi's Clothes: You could tell that no one wanted to make an outfit for Heidi Klum's Mommies Who Want To Look Pretty Taking Their Kids to Karate Class collection. They all picked on the design and the fabric and weren't into it at all. Thank god. Maybe that will keep her from doing 90 minutes of product placement again.
  • Michael C: People really need to leave Michael C alone. I just don't get why they all hate him so much, like his presence is actually offense to them. Anyway, he handled the situation with Ivy perfectly. He told her that she was wrong and why she was wrong and then then was like, "Well, I guess I'm still on the show and you're not, so who's the sucky one, bitch!" Yes, he was shaken up by the whole thing, but he didn't let anyone see that. Good for him. And while I can't say that I love Gretchen, she was very mature about the whole situation and told Michael not to get too worried. Aside from Mondo, she seems to be the only one who has figured out that Michael must be doing something right and is being sweet to him.
  • Tim Gunn: Not only did he tell Ivy to shut the fuck up and get over herself (we like this new confrontational Tim Gunn) but then he told the designers "You know what to do with the Piperlime accessory wall." Yes, Tim, we know what to do with the Great Piperlime Accessory Wall of Made in China. Completely ignore it.
  • Flirty Muscle Daddy: Damn, he was practically randy last night. When are they going to give him his own challenge? Or maybe we can make a shirtless calendar with him? I don't know. Something!
  • Crazy Headbands: !!!

In the end, Andy won for his Jack Skellington for Halloween Town collection, that was actually pretty cool. Mondo had a great showing with his Hoodies That Girls at NYU Wear collection. They also like April's I Can't Believe They're Not Negligees collection, but I thought it was nasty. Also, April, can we move away from the black already? We get it, you're emo!

This skinny gay guy Christopher who never did or made anything memorable was sent home (spoiler alert!) for making something that looked like cranberry juice spilled on your boyfriend's gym clothes. Is that what it resembled? Like Heidi's awful outfit at judging and childhood sexual abuse, I have blocked it out. They also hated Michael C's Thanksgiving Day Comfort Clothes for Stove Top Stuffing collection. No one liked Gretchen's The Early Years in the East Village collection that she did for Madonna's Material Girl label for Macy's, but I was kind of into it.

And somewhere backstage, Ivy seethed. Michael C had made it through another round. And now that she had been resurrected, she wasn't needed anymore, and the producers sent her home. She went into her bedroom and ripped open the closet door, and there—above a small alter with some fetishes and a candle stuck to the wood in a pool of it's own melted wax—was a collage. It was made of pictures of Michael C with his eyes crossed out with stitches made in red thread. She lit the candle, and placed some food and a thimble full of rum on the alter and said her evil, wicked prayers. One of these days, her dark gods would come for Michael C. And by then, no one would care about either of them.