A gay man is measured by many things—his looks, his accomplishments, his connections—but there's only one measurement that matters. In the second episode of Logo's "gay housewives" show The A-List, the gentlemen are already talking about dick size.
Yes, the six gay miscreants on this show got into their first big fight and it was all about penis size. They talked about it in the Hamptons, they talked about it in the hot tub, they talked about it over drinks, they talked about it at a fundraiser for homeless gay teens, they talked about it at the urologist's office, they talked about it while out to brunch with the first lady, they even talked about it at a garden party in front of Idi Amin, former Attorney General Janet Reno, and legendary cellist Yo-Yo Ma! There was so much talk about dick size that we heard obnoxious queens Dustin and Jayden talking about it—and Reichen, Rodiney, Derek, Ryan, Mike, and Austin and the rest of the cast of The A-List—over appletinis at gay bar The Ritz last night.
"Girl, guess what! Reichen's got a little dick."
"Lady, I already know that."
"How'd you know?"
"Austin told me."
"Damn, what'd she say."
"Well, she didn't really tell me. She told Derek in the Hamptons in a hot tub..."
"Ew, she got in a hot tub with Derek? Did her spray tan wash off?"
"Ha, probably. It looked like the BP oil spill up in there."
"We should call it Deepwater Her-izon."
"Right?! Anyway, Austin told Derek and Derek told his girl Chantal and she told Mario who goes to my gym and Mario told Joe who I ran into at Bartini the other night and he told me that Austin told Derek that Reichen has a small dick."
"But wouldn't everyone see it on stage when he's in that play in his underwear?"
"Apparently he wears two pairs so that you think it looks bigger. But Derek didn't just tell Chantal about it, he told Reichen that Austin's going around telling everyone she has a small dick."
"Damn, what did she do?"
"They were at that girl Ryan's birthday party."
"Which Ryan, the one who works at that gay PR firm or the one who was dancing on the bar at the underwear party on Saturday?"
"No, the one that owns the salon."
"Oh, that one. She had a birthday party? How old is she?"
"How old? As old as she is fat?"
"No, she's as old as Austin is fat."
"Damn, that is old. But how old?"
"Damn, for 30 she sure looks like she had a lot of work done."
"Right, well she goes and gets Botox and fillers. Guess where..."
"At her dentist!"
"Yes, she goes to the dentist and fills more than her cavities."
"Girl, that is some ghetto shit. She might as well be a tranny giving herself silicone injections in the back of some trailer somewhere. Can't she afford a real doctor?"
"Dunno, girl. Maybe she spent all her money on that fancy party. There were shirtless bartenders and everything. And she bought a new outfit from the designer she has on speed dial."
"Who is her personal designer? A little someone known as the International Male catalog?"
"Ha, right. No, it's some queen named Edwing."
"What is she gonna take off somewhere?"
"I don't know, but she sure flew back into the past where they still sell black shear fabric to make big gay shirts out of."
"Damn, she's a mess. So, what happened at the party?"
"Oh, well, Reichen was all like 'Why you gotta say I have a small dick?' And Austin was all like, 'I didn't say that.' And then Derek came out and was like, 'Um, yeah, you did.' And then Reichen was like 'I gotta go to rehearsal'..."
"Damn, ain't no amount of rehearsal gonna save her."
"Right! Anyway, so Reichen all left and then Austin was like, 'Why you gotta call me out?' and Derek was like 'You're a stupid bitch. You can't be my friend for three months.' And then Austin was like, 'Fine,' and then Derek was like 'You fat.'"
"She said that?"
"Haha. No, but, girl, that would have been fierce."
"She should have told Austin that 'off the cusp' isn't a real thing."
"Right, why doesn't Austin know how to talk? She's all like 'kicking a dead horse.'"
"Right. 'Plant a bed of roses.'"
"'Don't count your eggs to make an omelet.'"
"'Put the car before the horse.'"
"'You can lead a top to water, but you can't make her drink.'"
"What does that even mean?"
"I don't know. Ask Austin. She'll tell you."
"Ha! Reichen's boyfriend Rodiney doesn't know how to talk either. Have you ever heard her say the word 'dirty.' It sounds like she's saying 'doily.'"
"Ew, that's nasty. Know what else is nasty? Reichen likes to sniff his pits."
"Ew, know what's even nastier?"
"Rodiney is bi!"
"Ew ew ew ew. Like he's touched a vagina?"
"Yes! He touches it and he likes it.
"Hold on a minute, I wasn't done yet. Ewwwwwwww....."
"Are you done?"
"Yes. Ew! Ok. Now I'm done."
"Rodiney was dating a girl..."
"...before Reichen. Maybe that's why he hates drama, because he's not really gay."
"Yeah, you got to be gay to like drama."
"Now he wants Reichen to have a threeway with him and a girl.
"Ew, that is nasty. You know Reichen won't do it. She's so gay she loves drama. Did you hear they bought a house?"
"Yes, he had to make sure that it had an office."
"Ha! What does that girl need with an office?"
"So she can sit around and design her jewelry or something?"
"So she can think about getting kicked out of her play?"
"So she can make necklaces out of paperclips?"
"So that she can call her ghostwriter?"
"So she can fax?"
"Hahaha. She so probably faxes. Ha!"
"Anyway, how did you find out that Reichen has a small dick?"
"Oh, because we were at this party and he took an 'herbal' supplement and it gave him a boner for like six hours. Someone needs to tell her that Cialis is not 'herbal.'"
"Ew, did you see it."
"No, that's how I know she's got a small dick."