How Not to Win Your Estranged Wife Back, by David ArquetteS

David Arquette is "begging" Courteney Cox to get back together with him. He's so torn up, he called his good friend Howard Stern to talk about it—and dished about their sex lives, "methodical" lovemaking, and extramarital relationships.

With "cobwebs in his head" because "I set my clock to 4:20," David tells Howard that his separation with Courteney "breaks my heart." He's been "begging Courteney to get back with me." (Full audio here.) Then he does the exact worst thing you can do to an estranged wife you are trying to win back: He gives a rambling interview to the most notorious radio show in America about his sex life, marital issues, and some random chick he banged "once, maybe twice." Here's what David said about his sex life with Courteney:

We go to do Scream 4, and, I'm feeling distance, obviously, from my wife. We have not had sex in a quite a—by that time—a month or so. Since then, it'd been four months or so.

My sex with Courteney, it's scheduled to a certain degree. It's methodical to a certain degree. It's so full of love. It's so beautifully passionate. But not in a dropping loose kind of way.

…and his "one conquest," catfighting cocktail waitress Jasmine Waltz who "made me feel manly":

I don't have a girlfriend. I had sex with a girl once. Maybe twice. […] I'm not looking to fall in love. That's why I slept with a girl who's just a, you know. A, um. A girl I just slept with.

[Courteney] knows she's not fucking me, and she's like, listen, want you to be able to do do whatever you have to do. Essentially, free to see people.

…and Courteney's new crush (summarized by Us Weekly):

As for reports this past spring that Cox was getting cozy with her Cougar Town costar, Brian Van Holt, Arquette said he confronted her and she denied an affair. "I do believe her… I truly don't think she ever had an affair," he said, adding that if anything perhaps they formed an "emotional" bond.

…and what he's doing to win Courteney back:

I'm like, baby, you're the greatest girl in the world. I'm the greatest guy in the world. We have to stay together!

…and why Courteney's always mad at him:

She said to me, ‘I don't want to be your mother anymore […] I do shit that makes her, you know, embarrassed sometimes. And when I met her sixteen years ago, it was charming. That stuff gets old.

That's right: A possibly high David Arquette went on the Howard Stern Show to talk about how he doesn't want to "embarrass" Courteney anymore. The entire concept of irony just burst into flames.

The saddest part is that David sounds genuinely heartbroken as he praises Courteney and says he "just wants her to be happy," even if that means she has to leave him. Because after this stunt, she probably will. [Full audio, Us, TMZ, Celebitchy, image via Getty]