Everyone's thinking—or at least should be thinking—about what they're going to dress up as for Halloween. Don't fall into the trap and wear one of these clichéd costumes that everyone else will have on. You can do better!
You know how it is: Every year all the uncreative people out there decide to dress up as the most current pop culture phenomenon, person in the news, or political figure. Sometimes it's ironic, sometimes it's not, but it's almost always boring. Who wants to be at a party with four other people wearing your same get-up—especially if they did it better than you? As we did last year, here's a list of costume ideas we already think are played out.
Jersey Shore Castmember
Why You Shouldn't: Can you believe that last October Jersey Shore didn't even exist? That means the cast is technically new this Halloween even though they're utterly ubiquitous. Also, this one is too easy. All you need is a Bump-It and some slutty clothes or an Ed Hardy shirt and some giant sunglasses and you can pull it off. (If you're really lazy, you can buy the costume from a store.) But don't do it. The Halloween circuit is already going to be more packed with guidos than the dance floor at Karma. Don't add to it.
Safe Alternative: Teen Mom castmember.
Why You Shouldn't: It's too soon. These guys just got rescued, so they're the media darlings that will spring to mind when the uninspired want to think up a topical costume. But smearing yourself with dirt and putting a flashlight on your head is not a costume. It's just lazy.
Safe Alternative: A collapsed mine. Now that is creative.
Why You Shouldn't: It happened too long ago. Right now you're probably thinking, "Who the hell is Steven Slater?" He was that flight attendant who bailed out of the Jet Blue flight this summer. Remember? So, unless you want to do this bit of explaining all night as to why you're wearing a flight attendant uniform and carrying around two bottles of Blue Moon, then go back to the drawing board.
Safe Alternative: If this is the best you can do, just go as Mark Zuckerberg.
Why You Shouldn't: First of all, every gay (and girl who thinks she's a "gay man trapped in a woman's body") will be attempting this. Also, you have to admit to yourself that you do not have the time, resources, or creativity to pull off Lady Gaga. Even if you buy it from a kit. So take all those steak tips back to the grocery store, because your meat dress idea is already stale. And the same goes for your baby.
Safe Alternative: Christina Aguilera from Burlesque. This next gay cult classic isn't even out yet, so you'll be ahead of the curve.
Why You Shouldn't: All you need is a frizzy wig, a pointy hat, and a map of the state of Delaware and you can be Tea Party candidate, masturbation hater, and witchcraft dabbler Christine O'Donnell. But let's not give her the satisfaction and attention of a legion of Halloween costumes, okay?
Safe Alternative: Just go as a witch. Smart people will make a Christine O'Donnell joke on their own and you can have a good laugh.
Why You Shouldn't: Sorry, a shaggy wig and a baseball cap does not a costume make—especially if you're a lesbian who already has the haircut. And people aren't going to think that you're doing it ironically, they're going to think that somewhere deep down inside you really love the Bieber—or tweens, you perv.
Safe Alternative: Leif Garrett. Now that was a haircut, and it's retro cool.
Anyone from Wasilla
Why You Shouldn't: Last year, Sarah Palin was on our list by herself and our alternative was "naked Levi Johnston." God, we are so over both of those hillbillies. And the same goes for foxtrotting D-lister Bristol Palin, any of the other Palin clan members, and even Levi's manager/bodyguard Tank Jones. Even the prospect of "zombie Sarah Palin" isn't fun enough to get us excited for these backwater embarrassments.
Safe Alternative: You could be the Wasilla residents with the giant wagon car. That would be pretty awesome.
The Cast of Glee
Why You Shouldn't: Last year donning one of Sue Sylvester's trademark tracksuits and calling it a day would have been new, fresh, and hip. We still love this show, but now the idea doesn't have the freshness it once did. Also out are the show's cheerleader uniforms, Babygay Kurt's crazy gay looks, or Rachel Barry's grandma wear.
Safe Alternative: If you really want to do a cheerleader look, aim for Hellcats.
Why You Shouldn't: Thanks to our dong-obsessed colleagues, Brett Favre is on the top of everyone's minds and the tips of everyone's tongues. (Not like that!) Anyway, his penis picture scandal will be an excuse for a lot of guys to put on a jersey and have something like a banana, a dildo, or their actual, real member sticking out of their pants. Please do not encourage this behavior.
Safe Alternative: Just dress as Brett Favre's Dick. If you're going to be crass, then just be crass. Warning: you should be on the, um, shorter side to really pull this costume off.
Why You Shouldn't: Can we just put a moratorium on all "sexy" costumes from now on? Not that we want girls to stop dressing like sluts on Halloween. We love sluts! However, there are plenty of skanky alternatives without taking something that isn't supposed to be "sexy"—fire fighter, hobo, football player, Chewbacca, police officer, sanitation worker, Elmo (unless you're Katy Perry), or every version of every animal in the known world—and making it "sexy."
Safe Alternative: If you want to look like a whore, dress like a whore, or a French maid, a stewardess, a lingerie model, Lady Godiva, Venus de Milo, or a porn star. There is plenty of sexy in the world without making stupid things "sexy."
So are there any costumes you're not looking forward to seeing this year? Feel free to share in the comments.
[Photo at top via Getty]