Jersey Shore: Guidos In Space

The subjects of the most important sociological experiment of our time, Jersey Shore, finally breached the final frontier. When they got to Space, they got into a silly fight, set the world on fire, and were punished by their god.

Don't think that that our eight seven favorite guidos were recruited by the NASA program in nearby Cape Canaveral and slung among the stars in the Atlantis. To them Space is a club in Miami. It is sort of like the real thing—dark, full of blinding lights, and a vacuum where no one can hear you scream over the sound of the blaring music—so it makes sense that they are confused.

JWOWW was the most excited to get to Space because Space reminds her of New York City. Considering it is dark, full of blinding lights, and a vacuum where everyone will hear you scream but not give a fuck, it makes sense that she equates the two. JWOWW put on her special space suit for the occasion: a mesh and hot pink matching ensemble that was completely see-through with silver pasties to cover her nipples. They were silver because that is the color of satellites, and other things seen in space. Also, the future. The Future is silver. Snooki said JWOWW looked like the ultimate stripper. That is like telling a normal person that she looks like a cross between Carey Mulligan in An Education and Tin Tin. In other words, it is a huge compliment. But JWOWW didn't wear stripper stilettos with her uniform. No, she wore clunky black sneakers. It was like she was starring in a romantic comedy where a hooker decides to turn her life around and become a nurse and the woman who hires her tells her to wear sensible shoes so on her first day she arrives wearing a negligee and those giant brown sneaker things that nurses wear. It was just like that.

Anyway, once they all get to Space there is an epic battle like the one chronicled in the great historical document Battlestar Galactica.

We are still completely unclear why this fight between Snooki and The Situation and some "wannabe guidos" started, but one thing is for certain, they got thrown out of Space. Yes, just like David Bowie at the beginning of The Man Who Knew Too Much...No, that's not right. Just like David Bowie at the beginning of The Day the Earth Stood Still...Hmm, that's not quite it. Was it Labrynth? The Hunger? Starman? No, that was Jeff Bridges. Well, it was just like David Bowie when he fell to the earth out of space and everyone was sad and there was a movie about it, that's what happened to JWOWW, but sadder, because she was wearing her anti-gravity gravity shoes so that she wouldn't float away in space. But it was nice to see the one instance when JWOWW thought that fighting was inappropriate. That is in space.

On their way hurtling out of space and reentering the atmosphere, The Situation and DJ Paulie (Splash) Down grab two girls that they plan to use for flotation devices when they land somewhere in the Indian ocean. Instead they just bring them back to their apartment because they believe they are DTF (which, in the guido's sophisticated argot means "down to fuck"). They were in for a rude awakening.

The Situation's mating habits are becoming more and more problematic, not only to himself, but to DJ Paulie Dejected, the other member in his hunting party. It is well established that the guido males hunt in packs of two or three and when one man is ready to score, his co-hunter is available to entertain the prey's friend and keep her company thereby allowing his friend a chance to "get it in." It is a sacrifice the guido makes so that his friend can spread his seed. The Situation is no longer upholding his part of the labor. Since DJ Paulie Delightful is always nice to the ladies, he's always in a position to score. The Situation, however, treats women like crap, so not only does he not score, but his date always ends up taking her friend and hitting the road, leaving both men to lie in their beds with a debilitating case of the most painful of guido ailments: Blue Balls.

The Situation's problem is that he is far too aggressive with women. This might be because he has something to prove. He may be overcompensating for some perceived physical or psychological deficit by continuously proving his prowess with the women. Maybe he is trying to prove to the world that he has a huge penis, an insatiable appetite for women (as opposed to their juicier, gorillay counterparts), or is otherwise the greatest, straightest guido in all of Miami. Maybe he just sees women as objects only worth being fucked, so when they refuse his advances he'd rather humiliate them than be nice to them. After all, he'd rather stare at his friend DJ Paulie D while he has sex than sit with some girl chastely in the hot tub. Yes, that is just how macho and well-endowed The Situation is.

Not only does he drive this girl and her friend off when he finds out they don't want to have sex, it happens again when they run into a pair of women from "Canadia," as The Situation calls it. Since Samantha, Canada's Next Top Model who Sitch was hooking up with a few weeks ago, failed to club him over the head and drag him back up to Canada, our neighbor to the north sent these two women—the winners of The Amazing (Canadian) Race to try to do the job that Samantha just couldn't do. On The Amazing (Canadian) Race these two were the sister team that was blond and silly, but physically capable and their history as champion dog sled racers give them the physical prowess that is necessary to win such a competitive reality television program.

Their plan was to bring Sitch and DJ Paulie Doped home from the club with the promise of sex and then drug them so they could be carted away to a secret warehouse somewhere in the dark Canadian town of Guelph. But they can't go through with it. Though she has the strongest right arm in all of Saskatchewan from years of working her whip on the dogs and shouting "Mush! Mush!," The Situation's girl didn't have the stomach to sleep with him. Back home she was engaged to a lumberjack named Wayne (you know after "the great one") and she just couldn't cheat on their pure, pure Canadian love, not even in the service of her country that needed the seed of the guido for their very survival. Her stereotypical Canadian lifestyle was far too important to her.

As soon as The Situation realized that the girls weren't DTF, he basically ejected them from the house, much to DJ Paulie Disgusted's consternation. He says that it's a war out there—and he's right. Love is a battlefield. And when international spy ladies aren't trying to abscond with the guidos to strengthen the gene pools of their various and assorted countries, then they have to fight each other over women. DJ Paulie Dissembling thought he had an ally in The Situation, but he just has an adversary who isn't asking and isn't telling just what is happening in the war.

Speaking of hooking up, JWOWW and Snooki decided just to see who in the tribe had hooked up with whom. The results were shocking. Well, they are shocking if you are an idiot who has never observed the Guidous Americanus. If you've even seen their actions for a moment, you could have guessed the outcome.

Yes, all the subjects in our experiment have slept with each other. We forget that the guido dating pool is probably much smaller than that of normal species, especially when they are quarantined in a fishbowl much like our subjects are. It is inevitable that they would eventually get around to sleeping with each other, especially when there is alcohol involved.

This inbreeding is dangerous for several reasons. Not only does it aid in the spreading of diseases, but will also increase the mutations of the guido clan. Already known for their strange physical shapes, coarse hair, dark skin tone, and mysterious "vagina bones," continuous inbreeding could lead to further mutations and an even further departure from the rest of homo sapiens. The next stage in their evolution is probably gills, followed by a decrease in stature and an increase in natural musculature. The final step is when they no longer need oxygen to breathe. Then they will be able to live in Space—their preferred environment—full time.

But before they can make their final launch into the great beyond, they still have to deal with earthly matters, such as cooking. We all know that the guido has intense difficulty working simple machinery, but the culinary arts seem to escape them entirely. Here is what happens when The Situation tries to cook dinner.

There wasn't necessarily a fire but rather a lot of smoke and steam in the kitchen. Anyone whose mother has tried to cook a roast on Christmas Eve will know this is prone to happen to just about anyone. But why were the fire fighters called? Was there such danger that tax payers' money should be wasted? And who called them in the first place?

Well, the answer to that is easy. It was the Duck Phone. Yes, ever since the guidos forsook their household god when they migrated to Miami, he has been angry with them and caused problems as a revenge. This time he used his magical phoning capabilities and dialed 911. After telling the operator that the house was on fire, they dispatched every hook and ladder in the immediate vicinity. When they arrived the (rather hunky) fire fighters realized that it was just a simple cooking mishap and the guidos were so unphased they hadn't even left the healing waters of their hot tub. They were generally annoyed, thinking that they called the police when it was really the Duck Phone. A lot worse could have happened, but they were just hit on by Snooki and JWOWW. God, those two will hit on anything!

And this wasn't the last prank that the Duck Phone would play on his former worshipers.

Because The Situation doesn't think that the rules of the world apply to someone as great and manly and obviously stacked in the under the pants department as himself, he parks wherever he wants, even where it's illegal. Inevitably the legal structure of the town he lives in will take offense to that and punish him appropriately by towing his car. That isn't such a huge deal, bu he decides to use a phone to locate his car. That is when all the trouble starts.

The Duck Phone controls all the guidos' communication with the world at large. Even from a pay phone on the street (really, there are still pay phones?!) the Duck Phone knows the guidos are making a call and can intercept. That is what happened here. The conversation went something like this.

"Our care has been towed."
"Quack."
"No, towed. Like taken somewhere."
"Quaack."
"It's going to cost $175 to get it back?"
"Quack quack."
"Can I get a discount?"
"Quaaaaack, you quacking quack QUACK."
"Where do I have to go?"
"Quack quack quacking quack over quack quack quack."
"OK, I got it. Meet you there."
"Thank you for calling Duck Phone Enterprises. An operator will be with you...."
Click!

The Duck Phone's quacking misdirected Sitch and Vinny and told them the wrong directions to get to the car. Vinny thought he knew which direction to go in—that Vinny, he always thinks he's going somewhere in life, but he never quite gets there—but he didn't. And The Situation is just wandering around aimlessly. He has been told the directions. He thinks he knows the way to get where he's going, but he doesn't. His agency is just an illusion. He continues to take wrong turns and make mistakes, blinded by his hubris, unable to ask for directions. He thinks he just wants his car back, but he wants so much more. He wants to be rich and famous and have the world respect him, he wants to have the biggest penis outside of porn and then he wants to use it to make a porn movie. But not with a woman. No, he wants it to costar DJ Paulie Dilemma, who will fall down before him oand raise his hands up to the giant phallus as if he is a primitive bowing before a fertility god. Then The Situation wants him to hold him, cuddle him all through the night so the cold chill of space leaves his bones and he is left with the warm enveloping embrace of love. But he is blind to his desires and he just continues wandering around aimlessly, unaware that the quacking gods will never steer him home.