Today we looked at a very salient political media rant that oddly enough happened on morning television. His attention caught by all the noise, God descended into the comments to weigh in.
WHOA WHOA. Whoa. My kids, back away slowly from your computers and this communist Dylan RAT-tigant sinner. (I'll be dealing with him. Methinks a tiny plague of baldness and erectile dysfunction will set him straight)
Dylan RAT-tigant and this bizarre Online Internet Blogg has begun a dark and disturbing journey towards that most dangerously un-American of things : Reality.
Do you have any idea of the scale of the destruction and despair that will be unleashed when you turn from paranoia to reality-based thinking? It's...iiiiit's unbelievable. Satan is laughing in his lair right now. Right freakin' now. He told me he's gonna fly out of hell, (yes Meatloaf-fans, just like a bat. Except Satan has an electric car. Tres gay. On occasion, he drives a Prius.) and he will rain a plague of lesbian truck-drivers on America. And homosexual Marines who will have sex. Homosexual-type all-naked butty-butty sex. Maybe even on the White House lawn. It could happen. It could happen. Imagine that. And then, every white picket fence in the Midwest will be vandalized and painted over with Scissor Sisters lyrics. And FSU cheerleaders will develop glandular problems and become fat. And Marilyn Manson will become President. And the Vice-President will be Iman. A real muslin Iman. And Roundup will stop working as our premier weed-killer. The socialist Nazi Kenyan dictator-in-chief will ban bowling and morning cereal. Then his angry black wife will angrily grow big green bunches of organic arugula and destroy small Mon and Pop businesses in the American heartland like McDonalds and TGI. And Pedophiles will roam free and make Christina Hendricks wear a burqa. Eggs in supermarkets across America will spontaneously explode. Tearrists will roam the streets masturbating and doing abortion in malls using nothing more than cheese pretzels and cinnamon buns. And then feminists will come along and eat the dead babies and the pretzels and cinnamon buns.
So you have to think rationally now, My children. You must liberate your minds from the chains of reality. Reality is the tool of Satan. It can lead to pedophilia and homosinuality and alternative lifestyle choices and eventually: death. Also terrorists. Brown ones. The worst kind.
So you have to ask yourself right now. What's it gonna be, punk? Are you feeling lucky?