A Florida company has developed a strain of red celery that it plans on introducing to "selected supermarkets" on December 1. "It's bright; it's red; it's different; it's unique," says the company president. But: Is America ready for red celery?
Well, is it? I would have said "yes," because who gives a shit, but I thought we were ready for a black president and now Carl Paladino is an actual candidate for Governor of New York. Either way, the AP wants to know: "Is America ready for red celery?" Look at this red celery, America. Can you handle it?
It's taken Duda Farm Fresh Foods two decades to perfect their strain of red celery "working off a European heritage variety using natural breeding methods." Which is just, well, follow your bliss, I guess. And now it's here: Celery, that is red. It looks... like rhubarb! Can you feel your mouth watering? Your eyeballs pop? Even better, red celery might just be the thing that cures our children of fatness:
Jean Ronnei, who oversees the award winning school meal programs of the St. Paul public schools, said the new celery could be a "perfect fit" for her cafeterias, which run "coolest new veggie" contests to encourage students to try fresh produce.
Will red celery finally defeat our current reigning "coolest veggie," eggplant? (Note: I don't know if that's actually the coolest veggie, it's just, eggplant just seems cool, you know? It's probably smoking in the boys room right now.) Will this be the country's greatest weapon in the fight against fat kids and kids with scurvy? Or will kids ignore red celery because, really, it's just celery that's red, for Christ's sake?
As the promotional video above helpfully notes, this red celery is part of Duda Farm Fresh Foods' "new signature line of celery products: Celery Sensations." How exciting! How fresh! How... sensual!
According to the AP, red celery will be "test-marketed" first on the west coast, because, really, Californians will eat anything. It will also be premium priced, because it's red. I don't think I've ever been prouder to be an American.