1) Jackass 3D — $50M
Fifty mill— Fifty million dollars? What... What on Earth is wrong with you, America? Fifty million dollars! "Oh, America started out OK, people saw and said interesting things. Sure there were problems, but people were going places. Now? Now they just like to watch middle-age men staple each other's balls. Oh well. On to Canada, I guess." Fifty million dollars! There is no excusing that. None. There is no excusing Jackass 3D having the highest October opening on record. Absolutely not. We should all be ashamed of ourselves. Even if we didn't see it. Utterly ashamed. How do you think this looks to the neighbors? To the Belgiums or the Singapores or even the Frances? We must look like pain-obsessed psychopaths! Like the Japanese! It's just disgraceful. All those stank boxer-shorted young future men of America shuffling off with their hideous wheezing from petro-chemical induced asthma, insides stained by processed food. Lining up like acne-zombies to dribble themselves with pee while laughing at adults thwacking each other in the face with various things, the whole theater whooping and laughing, a hideous donkey noise. It's a horror movie. I'm moving to the other side of the world. I'm climbing down the tunnel I dug through the center of the Earth and I have a boat waiting for me all the way down there and I'll sail away to some tiny paradise island. And when some local sees me and points a finger and says "Jackass! Jackass!", I'll shake my head and say "No. Not me. No sir, not anymore."
2) Red — $22.5M
Nice job, old people! If it hadn't been for the abomination above it, this would have been a tidy little number one picture. A picture starring old people! So many old people. Oldest among them being, of course, Bruce Willis. He was interviewed last night about the success of the picture and he was quoted as saying: "Huh? Wha? Who's a red? I'm no Communist. Check your facts, Winchell. Whassat? A picture? No, I haven't seen any pictures lately. I don't know what you're talking about, you need to speak up. Oh sure I used to do pictures. Used to do those little Die Hard pictures. You remember them? Heck you wouldna been but in shortpants 'n' wearin' a dickey back in those days. Long time ago, those were. Say, have you met my grandson? He's married to my old wife. Ashton's his name. Good kid. Can't play in a picture worth a stack 'a beans, but he's a good kid. What's this red business you're asking about? Have the Chineses invaded? Always knew they would. Told Demi lotta years ago, said 'Demi, it's gonna be the Chineses and it's gonna be ugly.' And here we go. Here you are tellin' me the Reds are comin' and, what, I'm just here in my house clothes. Well, that's that for ya. Nee How, as they say. As we'll all be sayin'. Dang Reds. Knew they were comin'. I told Cybil Shepherd, I said 'Cybil, it's gonna be the Chineses and it's gonna be ugly.' Course she didn't listen. She never did listen..." And then he drifted off to sleep and outside Helen Mirren did backflips down the street in a bikini.
4) Secretariat — $9.5M
This movie barely dropped at all! Only about 20% or something from its debut last weekend. That is good news for Diane Lane and good news for horses. It is best news for Lane's next film, a sequel to her most popular movie called Unfaithful 2: The Catherine the Great Story. It's going to be a slightly different kind of horse movie than this gushy Disney heartwarmer, but it should be interesting. Future New York governor Carl Paladino has already given it Two Email Forwards Up, his highest rating.
5) Life As We Know It — $9.2M
OK, so, are we done here? $28m out of a $38m budget after two weeks? Sure this movie will go on to pass its budget and make some coin for the studio, but can we at least admit that Katherine Heigl is not a movie star worth $12m per picture? Don't get me wrong, she's free to do all the movies she wants! But like Gerard Butler before her, I just don't understand why Hollywood is trying to foist her on us as the next Julia Diaz or whoever. She is not! She is not even the next Meg Barrymore. She is just Kitty Heigl the TV star, who is very bad at making movie choices. Let's give a hefty cut of that $12m to, oh I don't know, Emily Blunt or, here's one outta left field, Emily van Camp. Remember her from Everwood? She was very good and pretty and likable! I know she's on that Brothers and Sisters thing now, but I don't have emotional hiccups, so I don't watch that program. Anyway, just give that money to other people, let's try new things out! Let's bring back Naomie Harris or get the ball rolling on Jamie Chung just to see what happens. What about Dichen Lachman? That could be a fun thing to try! Just stop giving all this money to Katherine Heigl. I think we out here in the wastelands have done our part in showing you, dear Hollywood, that we don't really want to eat that particular meal. So let's spread the wealth around, hm? In exchange, we'll be willing to give up Kristen Bell. It'll hurt, but yeah, you can stop pretend-trying with her. I guess you were right about that one in the end.
11) N-Secure — $1.4M
This was a pretty small release, opening only on 486 screens, mostly across the South. It is notable mostly because it has a thrilling website and it features not only the long-lost Elise Neal, but also Tempestt Bledsoe! Yes, Tempestt Bledsoe of The Tempestt Bledsoe Show. So that's exciting! Plus the website says the movie "is being called Fatal Attraction and CSI all rolled into one." Who wouldn't want to see that?? Nobody, that's who. Now we just have to wait for Sabrina Le Beauf's joyous return to the screen and we are done. We'll be good. I'm hoping for maybe a Single White Female and Grey's Anatomy all rolled into one. That would be a good Sondra movie, I think.